I am re-blogging this mainly because I have only touched on sociopaths from a romantic perspective, but not so much from a relative/family viewpoint. Plus, I think it is very well written…
Sure it is. It is possible for someone to have gone through such adverse situations in their life that their perception of reality is distorted as an adult. These circumstances have had some sort of adverse impact on their earlier years of psychological development, i.e. childhood, in which they have never been able to come to terms with or have never sought out professional help to help overcome the adversity of the situation(s). However, there is still that one fact that remains within the sociopathic/psychopathic behavior that still holds them accountable: the ability to know the difference between right from wrong.
So how does one know if a sociopath or psychopath is one because of genetically linked factors or circumstances?
This can be very tricky in deciphering the difference, because most sociopaths do not tell the truth as it is when it comes to discussing their childhood, adulthood, or any “hood” of their life. Most of them will pretend they have had a bad childhood as part of their plot to gain sympathy from generous people in order to gain something from them, or, they may use this lie as an excuse to get away with not facing the consequences for their destructive behavior, again to gain sympathy. Psychopaths have been known to come from stable childhood homes without a trace of dysfunctional interactions with the prominent figures in their lives, yet they seem to have a distorted view of reality whereas they think the world should revolve around their wants and needs without regards for the rights of others and without consequences for violating those rights.
But there is one thing that is undisputed for both disorders; as a child grows older and becomes more acquainted with society, they have no other choice but to learn the difference between what society deems as right from wrong and will have to moderate their behavior accordingly. Those who have difficulty moderating their behavior to adjust to societal rules are considered to demonstrate sociopathic and/or psychopathic behaviors.
Let’s say the sociopath/psychopath came from a home where there was little to no supervision, or even worse, supervision that had no boundaries, responsibilities, rules or restrictions, and no consequences for bad behavior. Believe it or not, this can be traumatic when a child has no correction; they feel as if they can do no wrong and will grow up with this mindset when they try to interact with the rest of society. When the child grows up and realizes reality is not what they thought it was, that there really is such a thing as right from wrong and there are consequences for their wrong behavior, they literally do feel traumatized from the reactions they get when they do wrong to others. They may go into a frenzy when they cannot have their way and begin to plot and plan on how they can make their idealization of reality happen. Society refers to this kind of behavior as being “spoiled” and have been known to mistakenly apply this term to adults.
But in a sense, being spoiled really only applies to children. Why? Just think about it. As I have stated earlier, we all eventually learn the difference between right and wrong as we grow older despite any lack of training, discipline, or correction in this area of our childhood by the responses we get in return for the things that we do. A spoiled child grows up eventually, and realizes the hard way that everything is not all about them. They will have to respect the rights of others if they expect to get along with other people in general whether they like it or not. It is the difficulty they have with this transition from a false reality they have been raised to believe in to the real world is what turns these children into a sociopath/psychopath as an adult.
That was actually the more glorified look as to how one can become a sociopath/psychopath, but there is also a dark side to this possibility, too…
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
Over the years, there has been alot of debating going on as to the differences between these two disorders: sociopathy and psychopathy. Some say the two disorders are identical; some say there at several distinctions between the two. Psychologist have been studying both disorders for years, but with their studies have yet to be concluded because of the increased difficulty of getting their subjects to cooperate with them, therefore prolonging the results. As time moves on, more and more pertinent information is being released to the public along with the testimonies of surviving victims that can be used to help protect those potentially at harm’s risk. The more knowledge that is released to the public, the less chances of their premeditated destructive plans succeeding against humanity.
There are indeed several differences between the two. It is important to understand the major difference between the two disorders. Not being able to recognize the most important signs of distinction can result in being the victim of someone with whom you will end up regretting investing your time, your trust, your sanity, and even your life into in the long run.
So let’s move on with a brief list of distinctions between the two:
Intelligence: The sociopath has no regards for the rights, feelings, and safety of another human being, and sadly enough, sometimes no regards for their own safety as well. The psychopath also has no regards for the rights, feelings, and safety of another human being, but they are a wee bit “smarter” than the sociopath in regards to their own safety. Psychopaths are risk takers as well as the sociopath, but the sociopath is more apt to getting caught than the psychopath because they lack the wisdom to see their mistakes in their premeditated plans. A psychopath will think of a plan, will take the risk, examine how close they were to getting caught, and will try to perfect any flaws so as to not get caught the next time they try taking the same risk. The sociopath just keeps doing the same thing over and over again, in the same manner, no matter how many times that method has proved to expose them. The difference here is the level of intelligence: one has it, one does not.
Remorse: The sociopath feels no remorse for the destruction they cause, the feelings they hurt, and the trauma they inflict because their brain is missing the pieces that process emotions in regards to anyone else but themselves. They will imitate what remorse should “look” like, but that does not necessarily mean they feel it. Actually, they cannot feel much at all because of their limited range of emotions. The psychopath will sometimes feel remorse for what they have done after they have been caught mainly because of the fact that they were caught, not necessarily for what they did. Their brains can process that emotion, so it is possible for them to feel remorse after the fact. The difference here is the ability for both to feel: one can, one cannot.
History: The sociopath usually has a past history of problems with making and keeping friends, repeated behavioral problems as a juvenile, poor performance in school during their childhood years, problems with paying child support or anything that requires responsibility and/or accountability on their part. Rebellious in nature, it is their narcissistic attitude that gets them into constant trouble; they feel like they are entitled to everything and anything they want and very seldom have respect for anything that represents authority. The psychopath doesn’t have much regard for authority neither, but may have demonstrated respect for the law (to an extent, of course), had a spotless school and juvenile record, and may have been the most likable person in their social setting growing up as a child. However, the psychopath is more “classy” with how they cover up their mental illness, and this is why they are more successful in those previous areas as mentioned than the sociopath. The difference here is the history of self-discipline: one has it, the other one does not.
Boredom: Neither can stand boredom, however, it is what they do to relieve this boredom is what counts. The psychopath will be able to find constructive ways to relieve themselves from being bored, mainly because they can be highly intelligent creative people… that is, only when they’re not satisfying some perverted urge of theirs. The sociopath will relieve their boredom by causing drama: conflict between friends/coworkers/family, disturbing the peace in society for the heck of it, displaying age-inappropriate behaviors in public for attention, etc. The sociopath does not have the mental stability, the mental capacity, nor the self-discipline to finish what they start. The majority of them never bother to waste time or money on starting something they cannot finish. Causing conflict in someone else’s life for the fun of it is the main preferred source of entertainment for sociopaths. The psychopath can cause drama among their friends/coworkers/family and disturb the peace in society also, but this is more of a byproduct of the selfish acts they do to satisfy themselves and not necessarily intended to be something they intentionally planned to do like the sociopath. A psychopath can actually be entertained by other less destructive means to relieve their boredom. The difference here is their style of enjoyment : one is narrow, one is not.
Hopefully, these difference are enough to get a clear understanding of the difference between the two, and of course, the list is longer than what appears here. Is it possible for a person to be a sociopath AND a psychopath? Sure it is. In fact, some of the differences stated above can be reversed or overlapped in the personality of one person. There is no sure way to distinguish which trait belongs to whom, for that takes time and a lot of energy to invest in getting to know someone before a positive identification can be recognized. In my honest opinion, it’s not worth the risk to find out….
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
So far, all I have been writing about is on what it would be like if you were involved with a sociopath. Hopefully those mock scenarios were helpful, however, I believe it would be even more helpful to give a few tips on how to recognize a sociopath long before you get too deeply involved with them…
TIP #1: Pay attention to how they talk about women (if it is a man) or men (if it is a woman) in a derogatory way. They sometimes let true feelings slip out when conversing about gender roles. If the person is a male and is always referring to women in some perverted way, this usually means they think of women as sex objects or toys. If they talk down about women, referring to them as the “B” word, and likes to watch women being abused, tortured or raped, run for the hills. If you are a woman, just because he whispers sweet nothings in your ear all day long and yet talks with this negative attitude towards the female species does not mean you are special and he will not want to treat you the same way the minute you do something that angers them. You are only a good woman as long as you are useful to them, and them only. The same goes for a woman who says hateful slanderous things about men in general. She will never respect you as an individual no matter how hard you try to win her over.
EXAMPLE FOR TIP #1:
S-path: I think women are the most beautiful things on this planet. I love them dearly.
Her: You do? Why that’s a nice thing to say. I love men as well…
S-path: Oh really? Great!
(Both watching a movie, non-comedy; scene shows woman getting slapped by a man)
S-path: AHAHAHAHA!! That’s what that b*tch gets! HAHAHA!
(suddenly, S-path’s phone rings)
S-path (looks at caller-ID): Oh not this b*tch again. It’s my accountant. She’s staying extra late at the office to work on my taxes.
(S-path answers call; talks politely to her, then hangs up)
S-path: HA! That b*tch is so stupid! She says she’s got an emergency. Her child fell down the stairs. Dumb b*tch should be at home anyways!
Now think: why on earth would a man who is trying to seduce a woman use this kind of language when referring to other women (especially one that is making personal sacrifices to help him) IN FRONT OF HER?? Notice how his actions do not match up to what he said about women general.
TIP #2: Pay attention to how they respect their parents. When we were kids, it was normal to express our dislikes of how we were raised by our parents while growing up because we didn’t realize at the time that they were raising us in a way that was meant for our own good later down the road in life. For example, we complained about our curfew times, having to do chores, our homework, not being able to stay up late when we wanted to, etc., but it wasn’t until when we became adults and had to apply that self-discipline and responsibility in the real world did we really begin to appreciate that parental discipline. We may not of liked what we had to go through, but we went through it without much of a fuss. If a person brags about how they rebelled against their parents in a sadistic way whenever they tried to discipline them, look out. This usually means they despise restrictions of any kind and have no respect for boundaries, rules, or laws and will retaliate the second they feel restricted by them.
EXAMPLE FOR TIP #2:
S-path: Yeah I loved my mom to death, but I have to tell you a funny story.
Her: Oh, okay 🙂
S-path: There was this one time when she told me I was grounded for bad grades, so I tied all her jewelry in knots, and then I flushed them down the toilet. HAHA isn’t that funny?! She knew who was the boss around there! AHAHA!
Her: um… okay 😐
S-path: Oh yeah, and speaking of which, there was a time when the neighbors told me I wasn’t invited to their birthday party, so I tied a brick around their cat’s neck and threw it in their swimming pool. You should of seen the look on their faces HAHAHA! Oh man! AHAHAHAHA ahh those were the days!
Her: (shrugges shoulders)
If you start to laugh at the sociopath’s sick things they did while they’re recollecting their childhood, they will interpret this to mean you like their sense of humor… and… will also expect you to laugh and enjoy it when they do these same things to YOU!
TIP #3: Pay attention to how fast they talk. Sociopaths talk fast; REAL fast. They do not want to give you time to think about what they’re saying; they just want you to hurry up and see things their way and make a decision in their favor. They encourage you to make decisions irrationally and impulsively. They also don’t stick to one subject for too long out of fear you might start asking questions that they cannot answer ( or do not want to answer) when you’re trying to make sense of what they’re saying. Most sociopaths talk in metaphors and do so in a way that it gives the listener one impression while the sociopath really means something totally different; again this is all to get you to do something rash in their favor.
EXAMPLE FOR TIP#3
S-path: Hey, you’re pretty cool. I could really like you alot. You know that, right?
Her: (giggles) Yeah I know. 😀
S-path: Yeah I’m really tired of going over to my sister’s house. It’s a long travel back and forth from work.
Her: Where does your sister live?
S-path: I have to wake up at 5:30 every morning just to get to work on time.
Her: Oh wow! That’s really early!
S-path: Yeah it is. If I fall asleep by 10:00 the night before, it’s not so bad. You’re lucky. You live close to every place I go to.
Her: Thanks but I just happened to find this place by…
S-path: (interrupts) Say, you wouldn’t mind if I crashed here for the night, would you? I have to get up awfully early in the morning. It’s 9:30pm already. Time sure does fly when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?
Her: Yep, it sure does. Sure you can stay.
(S-path spends the night at her house; they have passionate sex; S-path leaves half of his belongs at her house before he leaves in the morning)
Notice how the sociopath quickly redirects the conversation away from her question about the location of his sister. Why? Because there is no sister. He lives with another woman. This slick sociopath is trying to set up camp in a new woman’s house without officially leaving the present woman he lives with first. Also note how the sociopath starts off with a charming opening line that goes right over the lady’s head. He says “I COULD really like you alot”, not “I really like you alot” or “I DO like you alot”. “Could” is too vague with how it’s used in this sentence and can easily be misconstrued for the wrong meaning, which is what the sociopath is trying to do. Again, the sociopath quickly changes the subject from confessing his “real” emotions to his woes about traveling back and forth to work so the lady won’t have time to really think about what he just said previously, and question it.
In fact, the sociopath is such a fast-talker that she didn’t pick up on his subtle hints about moving in with her because he gave her the impression he wanted to stay only for one night. And, the sociopath’s preferred “weapon” of choice is passionate sex, guaranteed to throw all of her common sense out the window while he’s throwing smoke in her eyes so she can’t see what’s really going on. She doesn’t realize this until after the 4th or 5th night, when he leaves a little more of his belongs each time. The sociopath pulled this trick as if he didn’t want to give her not so much as a choice in the matter; just a sob story and several changes of his underwear, socks, and clothing.
So these are just a few tips and examples of what to look out for when first interacting with a sociopath. It’s kind of difficult to detect when a sociopath is deceiving you when you are all caught up in the euphoria of their charms, until it’s too late. There are many many more tips and examples that need to be pointed out, in which I will write more as I recollect them. Hope this little tidbit is helpful.
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“You and your mate seem to share so many common interests. You both enjoy spending time with each other while appreciating the finer things in life. One of those finer things is enjoying the good company of your mutual associates. Your mate says they value personality above all things and are adamant about the importance of maintaining good friendship. You value the same thing as well…
But lately, you have noticed a change in the way you and your mate’s mutual associates interact with you. These associates seem to act in an awkward way whenever you are around, as if they feel uncomfortable saying even the smallest word such as ‘hello’. You have not done anything derogatory towards them directly, at least nothing that you can recall. Some days they seem moody as if it is painful for them to speak to back to you when spoken to, or, they make strange facial jesters towards you whenever you mention your mate’s name. Consequently, this arouses your suspicions as to why they are acting this way. Your confront your mutual associates about your suspicions to no avail. You then confront your mate about this, who claims they do not have any idea what is going on with your mutual associates.
You also begin to notice something strange about your mate’s behavior at the same time. They seem to prefer to talk to you over the telephone rather than spend time together physically. They suspiciously ask you questions about your whereabouts more often, are more secretive than before with their cell phone, and seem very concerned about what is being said to you about them by your mutual associates.
They seem to want to pick a fight with you over the slightest things at the oddest of times, such as during a dinner or a movie date, and then refuse to be consoled about the situation in spite of all the facts you tell them that discredits their false accusations that cause them to start the argument in the first place. There are times when they will blurt out false accusations about you in front of certain mutual associates, then afterwards pretend as if nothing they said or did ever happened. Also, you notice your mate seems to change their attitude towards you in a derogatory way depending on which mutual associate is nearby at the time, but then changes back into their loving self with you behind closed doors. Sometimes, it even seems like your mate is mimicking this same mutual associate identically in dialog, body language, and personality…
Oddly enough, you began to question the change in personality with your mate whenever certain mutual associates are present. As usual, your mate becomes highly irritated with the fact that you would dare to question them. You explain to them why you are questioning them, in which they reply with answers that has nothing to do with your original question. Your mate seems to ramble on and on forever about nothing related to their behavior until they manage to change the direction of the discussion off of anything focused on themselves. Whenever you try to intervene in the middle of their ramblings with your original question about their behavior, they switch the focus onto your behavior instead of focusing on their own. Over time, your mate deliberately causes more and more distance between the two of you whenever you question their behavior…
Surprisingly enough, one of your mutual associates says something to you that lets you know that your mate has been trying to seduce them behind your back. Another associate informs you that your mate has been talking to others about things that you confided in your mate about that should have been kept a secret. You immediately confront your mate about this. Your mate denies all accusations to the extreme. They try to make this mutual associates look like a liar. Your mate tells you they have never tried to seduce a particular mutual associate, although you have witnessed first-hand for yourself how your mate seems to be extra charming towards them when they thought you were not looking…
When you confront your mate about telling your mutual associate what was supposed to be private between the two of you, your mate tries to make it seem like you were the one that told them when you know in fact you did not, and then proceeds to tell you about all the private information these associates shared with your mate. In the midst of your mate trying to defend themselves, they periodically slip and tell on themselves, without being aware that they are, which confirms everything that was said about your mate as being the truth. When you point this out to your mate, they try to retract whatever they have said as if they never said anything at all…”
Sociopaths are notorious for causing division among mutual associates. They love division if there is something to be gained from it. Their motive for gain could be anything from money to sex, and from drugs to someone who could be an accomplice in helping them destroy your sanity, your reputation, and even your life. For example, If you have had a riff with one of your mutual associates whom the sociopath thinks they can gain something from, they try to step in between the two of you and play both of you against one another.
They do this to cause more tension in whatever environment you and your ex-associate may share. They immediately search for your ex-associate and feed the fire by telling them fabricated stories about how badly you have been treating the sociopath when it was really the sociopath who has been treating you badly, how badly you have been talking about them behind their back when it was really the sociopath who has said all those things to you about them, and will even go as far as acting all of this out with you in front of them just to make their lies look legitimate. They will try to show your ex-associate their loyalty to them verses you in order to gain their trust by telling them either some or all of your secrets, then afterwards will go behind their back and tell you some or all of theirs. They offer to be of whatever service they can to your ex-associate in an attempt to seduce them behind your back. This is why the sociopath deliberately creates distance between you two; they need that space in order to be available whenever your ex-associate wants them to be without it seeming obvious to you.
The sociopath wants the division between the two of you to stay there permanently, especially if there is something to be gained from this for them, and will go out of their way to make sure you both will never reconcile again. They do this by baiting your ex-associate into doing sneaky deceptive things with them behind your back, such as dating, sex, etc. In other words, the sociopath will charm them in the same manner they have charmed you, and this is why the stories you hear about the sociopath seducing another mutual associate seem so familiar. They persuade your mutual associate to engage in acts that would otherwise be unforgivable by you should you ever find out about them. It also guarantees the sociopath will have a “weapon” to use against you whenever they want to emotionally hurt you, get you to bend to their wishes, or when they want that adrenaline rush of power from emotionally blackmailing you.
Beware if you are the one on the other end of this equation: if you are the ex-associate. Do not underestimate the level of deceptiveness the sociopath will stoop to in order to get you to fall for their lies to win you over. The sociopath will play on your anger, hate, jealousy, or whatever emotion you have towards your ex-associate. Do not under any circumstances get too close to the sociopath; they will use any instances of interaction with you as blackmail later on. Just the same as your ex-associate was deceived into believing the sociopath’s lies, so will you be. You are no exception.
Remember: if it seems too good to be true, chances are it probably is…
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“All week you have been preparing for the up and coming holiday, eagerly awaiting to spend the day surrounded by your family. You look forward to reminiscing with them about the days growing up together, catching up on the happenings of those lost moments shared with one another, and renewing the bond that was once broken years ago. It has been years since you last saw your family, and this reunion brings about the most important closure on a chapter in your life that has been plaguing you for a very long time. You have shared your excitement over this anticipated event with your loved one, who seems just as happy for you as you are… at first…
The holiday has arrived. You tell your mate how excited you are that you are going over to your family’s house later that evening. Suddenly, you see a change in your mate’s temperament. They say things they know will start a fight between you two; it is as if they are purposely trying to get a rise out of you before you go. Everything they are saying has nothing to do with the holiday or the evening itself; these were actually issues that were resolved long time ago. You are confused as to why when these issues were clearly and mutually resolved are they being brought back to the surface now, as if your mate never had an understanding to begin with. They claimed they did when the first argument took place about the same issues, and now all of a sudden, they have no recollection of ever resolving them. Not only that, most of these issues never had a legitimate basis to fight about to begin with; they were all fake complaints your mate made up themselves for you to waste countless hours in the day trying to work things out with them…
The time is winding down towards the time for you to leave for your family celebration. You need to get ready and your mate seems to be deliberately drawing out this argument on purpose. The more you express how upset they are making you over their defiance in resolving the matter before you leave, the more they try to antagonize you further by being more defiant. What happened to this person’s standards they stated they had in the beginning? They once told you they hate arguing, but as time goes on, they seem to start arguments at the drop of a dime and pick the oddest of times to start one. By now, your mate has you so upset to the point where you do not want to go, but you go anyway. With your mind totally disheveled and confused by the way your mate has just acted, you dry your eyes and try to calm your nerves before you head off to be with your family…”
Sociopaths DO NOT like for you to have a loving support system, i.e. family and friends. It is hard for them to effectively mentally traumatize you and break your will when you have access to people who will surround you with love and support to counteract the damages. This is why sociopaths usually target loners, divorcees, those fresh out of a failed romantic relationships, runaways, the “new kid on the block”, the “black sheep” of the family, and so on. These are the type of people whom the sociopath zeros in on quickly because they know their circumstances might not have them thinking clearly, their defenses are low, and their options are limited as to whom they can trust to turn to for accurate advice, help, and support when the sociopath starts playing with their mind. They will try to do everything possible to tear down any bond you may have between you and another supportive individual with whom they may feel threatened by. You will notice this repeated cycle mostly at times when you and your family will be spending time together.
If the sociopath is not acquainted with your family, meaning they have no direct contact with them, they will try to compensate for not being able to manipulate them by going through you. They will try to get you confused, angry, and even furious before you intend to be in the presence of your family in hopes this will cause you to say or do something irrational and take out your frustrations on them. In turn, the sociopath wants you to look like the one responsible for causing the rift between you and your family, and will you this guilt trip against you later. In the least, the sociopath will try to make you look crazy to your family by driving you crazy. The sociopath may think by doing this, it will cause your family to inadvertently discontinue their association with you themselves. Some sociopaths have even used the tactic of forcing you to choose by saying “it’s either me or them”, or they may throw fits of rage whenever your family does something nice for
you, buys you a gift, or helps you in any way possible and vice versa. The sociopath does this to make you feel guilty for any kind of generous acts exchanged between you and your relatives, hoping you will cease in doing so for fear of the wrath that comes along with it. Remember: all of this is a way for the sociopath to control you. This is why it is very important to let your family know your doubts, concerns, and anything else you find odd about the sociopath in your life so they can be aware of the situation. This is for your protection as well as theirs.
And above all else, DO NOT LET THE SOCIOPATH ISOLATE YOU FROM ANYONE YOU ARE ALREADY CLOSE TO!
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
When we try to analyze the people we cross paths with in society, it is possible to misinterpret our analysis for lack of a better understanding. For those who have crossed paths with a sociopath and a narcissist on separate occasions, it may seem like there is little to no difference between the two when in fact one can be mistaken for the other. Both are considered to be social terrorists, however, there are distinguishing characteristics that would imply neither of them are one in the same. Therefore, I would like to explain briefly the differences in character between these two personality disorders…
A Narcissist will let you know up front what they are about. They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake). They generally do not tell these stories for any other gain than to hear praises. They have an unquenchable desire to be admired, worshiped, and adulated with no real gain from those that respond to them in this way other than to feed their own ego. They need to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering.
A Sociopath will NOT let you know up front what they are about, because they wear a mask to hide their true identity. They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake, but mostly fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake, but mostly fake.) They generally tell these stories to appear as a “good person” to gain trust and as a cover-up for their ulterior motives. They have the same unquenchable desires as the Narcissist as a result of the power and control they gain over their victims. They do not care to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering unless doing so promises to earn them more unsuspecting victims.
Here’s a few more brief distinguishing characteristics:
A Narcissist can have a conscious/conscience, and will sometimes hurt others unintentionally. A Sociopath has no conscious/conscience whatsoever, nor do they have any remorse for hurting others intentionally; the more damage, the better they feel.
A Narcissist can be constructive. A Sociopath is always destructive.
A Narcissist’s world can be built by their own hands. A Sociopath prefers their world to be built by someone else’s hands, and will take full credit for it.
A Narcissist is self-deceptive. A Sociopath is socially deceptive.
A Narcissist needs admirers. A Sociopath needs victims.
A Narcissist needs to be adulated to appease their insecurities and fragile ego. A Sociopath needs to be adulated to appease and camouflage their ulterior motives.
A Narcissist lacks empathy in the form of belittling, name-calling, and defaming another’s character. A Sociopath lacks empathy in a criminal or physically violent way.
A Narcissist accepts who they are but exploits themselves in an overly-exaggerated and excessively-dramatic grandiose manner. A Sociopath pretends to be someone who they are not to hide their hidden agendas in order to keep from being exploited.
Both think they are superior to anyone and everyone they meet. Both think they deserve special treatment. Both process the world differently, and both play to “win.” However, it is possible for both personality traits to be combined into one, which is called a “Narcissistic Sociopath” , and is more dangerous to deal with than the two individuals separately.
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“You two have just had what seemed like the argument of a lifetime. You are totally devastated by what you have just heard come out of your partner’s mouth. Your partner has just blamed you for something you have no clue of. They are This is the same partner that has always seemed so sensible about communication, stating that they prefer to resolve disagreements as soon as they happen to avoid unnecessary confusion. Now that you have done everything within your power to explain your side of the situation to them, they refuse to listen nor do they seem to want to be corrected. The more you try to correct them, the louder they speak. Then all of a sudden, they hung up the phone quicker than you could have a chance to react.
You try to call them back repeatedly but to no avail. They do not answer, and there is no return call back from them. And so you wait, and wait, and wait for them to call you back. Still no call back. You send them text message after text message. There is no reply back from them. You began to wonder what is the problem; why have they not called you back and discussed the problem even after you have explained to them in a text message stating how wrong their facts were and that the two of you need to talk in person. You know that all this could easily be resolved IF only they would answer their phone…
Hours have passed since your last call or text message to them. A strange feeling comes over you as if something just does not seem right. Their behavior does not match up to what they said in the beginning about open communication during times of disagreements. There have been times in the past when you two have disagreed over something, and there has always be a resolution between the two of you shortly after the disagreement. But this time, they seem as if they are deliberately keeping the distance between you so that this issue cannot be resolved.
The entire day has gone by and still no return call or text message from them. Finally, the next day, they return your calls. The funny thing about this call is… they appear as if nothing is wrong, that nothing ever happened the night before, and no argument ever took place. It is as if yesterday never existed. Confused, you ask them about the argument that happened last night and sincerely express how you would like to discuss it. They respond with a nonchalant ‘oh that, that’s water under the bridge. Let’s talk about something else’, and proceed to carry on about their plans for the day, ask you what yours are, and abruptly end the call with a promise to call you back later. They hang up the phone before you even had a chance to say goodbye.
Weeks go by and you start to notice a pattern with this. You notice they always seem to bring up discussions that they know will cause an argument between the two of you, and then abruptly hang up the phone with no return call until the next day. You notice even when you try to stop the argument from escalating, they deliberately carry on until the argument ends with them hanging up the phone and not contacting you until the next day. You also notice which day of the week this always seems to take place: on a Friday and/or Saturday night.”
No, you are not losing your mind. Your partner is. The sociopath uses this diversion tactic as a way to have no contact with you. For whatever reason they cannot use their phone to speak to you, using the “I’m too angry to talk to you” excuse is the only way out of having to answer when you call. It also leaves an open space for them to insert lies about their whereabouts.
I have heard several reasons as to why they deliberately want to have no contact by phone on the weekends, however, the main reason was because they were with another woman (or man, depending on the circumstances). Notice your partner’s use of their cell phone whenever you are around them. Is the ringer always off? Is the phone hidden out of sight? Do they answer the phone when it rings? If they do not answer the phone when it rings whenever you are around them, chances are this is the same reason why they do not answer the phone whenever you call them. Big clue there.
Keep in mind this scenario does not necessarily have to only take place on the weekends alone. It could happen at anytime of the day or night on any given day, depending on when they are planning on indulging on whatever it is they are being secretive about. If the reason why they are acting oddly is because they are having sex with another woman or man behind your back, that would explain why they cannot answer their phone or make contact with you until that other woman or man is out of their presence for obvious reasons; they are lying to you and that person at the same time. They may not be having sex at all; just the fact that they are in the presence of someone with whom you may disagree with is probable cause for them to avoid answering their phone. Also, note their behavior when the two of you finally do make contact after an argument. If they appear joyful as if nothing ever happened, that is because they feel their plan worked; they have gotten away with whatever it is they wanted to get away with. If they feel their plan worked, be expecting them to use this tactic whenever they want to spend time with another woman (or man).
Most sociopaths try to make you think you are the one that is losing your mind by pretending the argument never happened, or, it was not that much of a big deal to resolve as they made it seem like it was when it happened. They do this for two reasons:
- At some point, they really do hope you will lose your mind trying to keep up with them. Remember: control equals power to them. If you are constantly distracted with thoughts of trying to figure them out, you will not be focused in your daily activities. You may make careless mistakes, miss important appointments, or just seem lethargic all time and not really caring to take care of yourself or your responsibilities. You may even start making silly mistakes, saying odd or weird things to people, or even worse, develop a sense of paranoia. The sociopath will use this against you. They will take your faults and use them to belittle you, attack your self-esteem by over-emphasizing your mistakes, and will manipulate the opportunity to implant false impressions into your mind that you need them in order to function properly. They may even point out your mistakes to make it look like they defending themselves each time you catch them in a lie to give the impression you are much worse as a person than they are.
- As I have stated in my previous article The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 2) and The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 3) , sociopaths are masters as avoidance because they fear the truth. By not giving you closure on things they have done to you, they are affecting your psyche in ways that even you may not be able to decipher (see my article Something To Think About: Walls Were Made To Be Broken (part 1) ). If they can successfully manage to crack you up, there is less chances of anyone believing you when you telling the truth about what the sociopath has done to you. If you believe you are crazy, you start acting like you really are crazy. If you start acting like you are crazy, others will see you this way also. If the sociopath can discredit your word, they can get away with murder.
And I do literally mean MURDER…
May they all rest in peace…
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“You find yourself totally and completely falling in love with this person as time moves on. However, there is something erratic about their behavior that you cannot quite put your finger on but you know something is not right. One day, they seem like the life of the party around you; cheerful, helpful, and radiant in your presence. But the next day, they verbally state they hate your guts for no apparent reason at all. You may even notice them acting this way throughout an entire day; elated one minute, extremely hostile the next. Even when you two have had hardly any contact with each other at all, this behavior is still exhibited by them without cause or reason from your point of view.
So you decide to ask them what you did to upset them so much, but they cannot answer with a direct answer. They beat around the bush, they play games, they use sarcasm at inappropriate moments, they try distracting you from focusing on the question, and they may even play the ‘surrender role’ by stating things like ‘whatever you think the answer is’ or ‘take a guess why I’m acting this way’. The more you try to get to the bottom of the problem, the more they try to avoid telling the truth…“
Truth: something the sociopath fears because:
- With truth comes exposure…
- With exposure comes clarity…
- With clarity come closure…
- With closure comes direction.
Some say the sociopath has no fears because they have no conscious. That is not true. The sociopath fears being exposed for what they are. It does not bother their conscious when they lie to you, cheat on you, steal from you, etc., but one thing that does torment their conscious is the fear of the mask that they wear will be ripped off and the sociopath in them will be revealed. When you know the truth of what (and who) it is you are dealing with, you are able to clearly see which direction you should go: to stay or to leave. Not only do you know which direction you should go, you also know if further attention concerning your safety needs to be addressed (sociopaths despise “losing” at their games and think nothing of getting revenge so they can feel like they have “won”).
Believe it or not, the sociopath does not want you to leave, at least not until they know without a reasonable doubt that they have another victim lined up to take your place immediately after your departure. The sociopath is satisfied with you as long as you are believing their lies; it is when they think you are starting to catch on to their lies is when they begin to panic and start looking for another unsuspecting victim without delay. As long as the sociopath can keep you blinded to important facts about the relationship, they have control over how you live your life, your peace of mind, etc. Remember: they need to “feed” on the fears, the wants, and the needs of others in order to feel like they have a sense of power and control. This is why they were so charming in the beginning so they could win your undivided affection and trust. It is no wonder why their erratic behavior is so baffling since they seemed so sincere at first, and also the main reason why they try to avoid having to answer for their monstrous behavior in the end… because they are terrified of being exposed.
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“So it is now just one week away from your anticipated outing with the person you have fallen in love with. All plans have been discussed, understood, and agreed upon. You find yourself constantly thinking about the perfect outfit to wear, fantasize about what you two will share, and daydream about how the day will end. Throughout this entire week, you have been feeling all giddy inside thanks to this wonderful person who has an uncanny ability to say the right things to you at the right time. You have never felt as connected to someone as you do right now.
During the outing, you two seem to be having a terrific time and you find yourself wanting to open up more and more to this person. They seem to draw it all out of you with ease by making you feel so comfortable and safe around them. They appear to be an open book; holding nothing back about their hopes, their dreams, and their fears. They mention about how they have been grossly misunderstood all their life, and all they want is to find that one person who they can connect with; someone who is not vindictive or spiteful like all the rest have been towards them in spite of their efforts to help them. This person, who seems so eager to learn what makes you tick, tells you you are like a “vacation” for them, and expresses how much they enjoy learning more about you. You cannot believe just how much ground you two have uncovered about each other in such a short period of time. It seems like you two have a real connection going on with each other along with so many things in common. You want more than anything else in the world to give a sincere honest impression of yourself, so you do not hold anything back in hopes of earning their trust. You decide to open yourself up to this person with all sincerity of the truth from your heart, just the way they did towards you. Therefore, you too begin to talk endlessly about your hopes, your dreams, and your fears… your fears.
(Uh oh, big mistake…)
After all this talk about what makes each other tick, you feel you can completely trust this person with all of your heart, mind, and soul. You confide this fact with them, and are delighted to know that they feel the same way about you, too. Because of this new revelation, you two agree to become closer and closer, making more and more plans together…
(…and then the nightmare REALLY begins…)
After a few weeks (or days even), you start to notice a considerable change in this person since the very beginning. They tell to call them anytime, but when you do, they are always unavailable. They tell you stop by anytime, but when you do, they are always too busy for company. They seem to say one thing, but do another that is nothing even close to what they say they will do. They seem to call less, text less, and when there is an open line of communication between the two of you, it is very short and very brief with little or no substance to what this person says. You start to feel as if you may have made a big mistake by trusting every word this person has said to you. You express this concern to them, who in turn assures you everything is fine, you did not make any mistakes at all, and you are just being paranoid. Your mind and heart begin to battle each other.
Your mind considers every rational behind why they say you are being paranoid, yet your heart still tells you something is definitely not right with their rational. Before you can discuss more about how unsure you are feeling, the person has moved on to other subjects seemingly non-stop without giving you the chance to get not even one word in edgewise. The next thing you know, something has came up and the person has to end the conversation, but promises to continue it when they call you later on that day. Without thinking twice about it, you wonder exactly when will this person call again since they seem to be sporadic with keeping their word. Surprisingly, they call you later that same day just like they said they would, however, they seem very irritated when you try to pick up the conversation from where the two of you left off at. They brush your concerns off of discussing anything about the changes in their behavior, belittle you for making such a fuss over how you feel, and somehow manage to shift the blame for their behavior onto you by stating every illogical reason why it is your fault. You are stunned at their accusations that are mixed with fact and fiction, but still try to defend yourself by correcting their bizarre beliefs. They ignore what you say regardless of how accurate you point out the flaws in their theories. Suddenly they end the conversation, leaving you bewildered and confused as to what just happened.”
First, let me explain why it is a big mistake to open yourself up to a sociopath. Two of the defining traits of a sociopath are glibness and superficiality. The sociopath likes to play with words. By this, I mean the sociopath has a way of explaining their childhood, their family, their friends, and the relationships they have experienced by mixing lies with the truth without giving away too much detail that will expose themselves for what they truly are. Most all of their stories usually entail how they were either a hero or a victim, depending on whatever tales and adventures you have told, they try to match theirs up with yours to make it appear you two have an enormous amount in common. They use this technique in order to get you to trust them quicker. When you trust someone, you are more apt to open yourself up to them with sincerity, clarity, and honesty. Remember, the core reason for everything the sociopath does is that unquenchable desire to control in order to feel powerful. The only way they can do this is by learning you, and they usually succeed through their deceptive recollections of the woes, chaos, and misery they have experienced in each relationship they have ever had. What they will fail to tell you is how they were the ones who caused all the woes, misery, and chaos.
Second, the sociopath does not begin to open up unless they have verified you will not question them too deeply about the things they say and/or do, because this will afford them space they need to tell more lies that all sound believable. As long as they know they are deceiving you, they will feel as though they are in control of you. As long as they feel they are in control of you, they feel powerful. For example, in the scenario described in the beginning of The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 1) , the sociopath was never questioned for their odd change in behavior. They were never asked if anything was wrong that would warrant their strange behavior because they made sure it was clearly understood how much they despise questions. Usually, the sociopath despises questions because they tend to lie so much and so often that they lose track of what they have already told you. When questioned, they become furious. Any normal human being who is telling the truth would have no problem explaining the truth again. For the sociopath, it is mentally agonizing to recall everything that they have already said since a majority of what they have said was a lie.
Lastly, the sociopath needs to know what makes you tick to learn how much they can get away with. They probe you looking for any weaknesses you may have. These weaknesses are what they will use to exploit you later on when they cannot have their way with having control and power over you. Remember in The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 1) , they first started satisfying their need to control and feel powerful by causing enormous pain and suffering on helpless animals. The keyword here is “helpless”. During the entire time you are opening up to the sociopath, they are looking for anything they see as a sign of weakness that they can use to break you down to a level of helplessness. While you are opening up to them, the first thing that grabs their undivided attention is your fears. If you have not already opening expressed them, they will most definitely ask about them. Your fears equals their control.
In a healthy relationship, we want to know our partner’s fears so we can make sure they never ever happen. When the sociopath know your fears, they will devise plans to make them come true in order to get their way, and more importantly, to feel like they have some sort of power and control over you. Eventually, you will give in to their unreasonable demands after they have exploited your fears in hopes the sociopath will stop this sadistic way of manipulating you into submission. They do the same with your hopes and dreams; they will deliberately find ways to intercept them, delay them, and even destroy them when they cannot have their way as a way of showing you just how much control they can have over you. In this, you will get the chance to see just how cold and heartless they can be, for they have no boundaries as to what lengths they will go to make sure they get what they want. But mostly, the sociopath will pretend to be concerned in making your hopes and dreams come true (especially if it involves a “happy ending” with them) as a way to keep you holding on to this dysfunctional relationship that will only reveal itself to be a catastrophic failure in the end. This provides them with a sense of security while they secretly plan and plot to get whatever it is they want to get out of you.
This type of behavior is called “passive aggressiveness”, and is the prime tool the sociopath uses to mentally torture you once they have won you completely. Some of the ways the sociopath might behave to achieve control are listed below:
Non-Communication: when there is clearly something problematic to discuss
Avoiding/Ignoring: when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly
Evading: problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand
Procrastinating: intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones
Obstructing: deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change
Fear of Competition: Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something
Ambiguity: Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations
Sulking: Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.
Chronic Lateness: A way to put you in control over others and their expectations
Chronic Forgetting: Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way
Fear of Intimacy: Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship
Making Excuses: Always coming up with reasons for not doing things
Victimisation: Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one
Self-Pity: the poor me scenario
Blaming: others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.
Withholding: usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party
Learned Helplessness: where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible
The above except was taken from the following website: What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine