“So it is now just one week away from your anticipated outing with the person you have fallen in love with. All plans have been discussed, understood, and agreed upon. You find yourself constantly thinking about the perfect outfit to wear, fantasize about what you two will share, and daydream about how the day will end. Throughout this entire week, you have been feeling all giddy inside thanks to this wonderful person who has an uncanny ability to say the right things to you at the right time. You have never felt as connected to someone as you do right now.
During the outing, you two seem to be having a terrific time and you find yourself wanting to open up more and more to this person. They seem to draw it all out of you with ease by making you feel so comfortable and safe around them. They appear to be an open book; holding nothing back about their hopes, their dreams, and their fears. They mention about how they have been grossly misunderstood all their life, and all they want is to find that one person who they can connect with; someone who is not vindictive or spiteful like all the rest have been towards them in spite of their efforts to help them. This person, who seems so eager to learn what makes you tick, tells you you are like a “vacation” for them, and expresses how much they enjoy learning more about you. You cannot believe just how much ground you two have uncovered about each other in such a short period of time. It seems like you two have a real connection going on with each other along with so many things in common. You want more than anything else in the world to give a sincere honest impression of yourself, so you do not hold anything back in hopes of earning their trust. You decide to open yourself up to this person with all sincerity of the truth from your heart, just the way they did towards you. Therefore, you too begin to talk endlessly about your hopes, your dreams, and your fears… your fears.
(Uh oh, big mistake…)
After all this talk about what makes each other tick, you feel you can completely trust this person with all of your heart, mind, and soul. You confide this fact with them, and are delighted to know that they feel the same way about you, too. Because of this new revelation, you two agree to become closer and closer, making more and more plans together…
(…and then the nightmare REALLY begins…)
After a few weeks (or days even), you start to notice a considerable change in this person since the very beginning. They tell to call them anytime, but when you do, they are always unavailable. They tell you stop by anytime, but when you do, they are always too busy for company. They seem to say one thing, but do another that is nothing even close to what they say they will do. They seem to call less, text less, and when there is an open line of communication between the two of you, it is very short and very brief with little or no substance to what this person says. You start to feel as if you may have made a big mistake by trusting every word this person has said to you. You express this concern to them, who in turn assures you everything is fine, you did not make any mistakes at all, and you are just being paranoid. Your mind and heart begin to battle each other.
Your mind considers every rational behind why they say you are being paranoid, yet your heart still tells you something is definitely not right with their rational. Before you can discuss more about how unsure you are feeling, the person has moved on to other subjects seemingly non-stop without giving you the chance to get not even one word in edgewise. The next thing you know, something has came up and the person has to end the conversation, but promises to continue it when they call you later on that day. Without thinking twice about it, you wonder exactly when will this person call again since they seem to be sporadic with keeping their word. Surprisingly, they call you later that same day just like they said they would, however, they seem very irritated when you try to pick up the conversation from where the two of you left off at. They brush your concerns off of discussing anything about the changes in their behavior, belittle you for making such a fuss over how you feel, and somehow manage to shift the blame for their behavior onto you by stating every illogical reason why it is your fault. You are stunned at their accusations that are mixed with fact and fiction, but still try to defend yourself by correcting their bizarre beliefs. They ignore what you say regardless of how accurate you point out the flaws in their theories. Suddenly they end the conversation, leaving you bewildered and confused as to what just happened.”
First, let me explain why it is a big mistake to open yourself up to a sociopath. Two of the defining traits of a sociopath are glibness and superficiality. The sociopath likes to play with words. By this, I mean the sociopath has a way of explaining their childhood, their family, their friends, and the relationships they have experienced by mixing lies with the truth without giving away too much detail that will expose themselves for what they truly are. Most all of their stories usually entail how they were either a hero or a victim, depending on whatever tales and adventures you have told, they try to match theirs up with yours to make it appear you two have an enormous amount in common. They use this technique in order to get you to trust them quicker. When you trust someone, you are more apt to open yourself up to them with sincerity, clarity, and honesty. Remember, the core reason for everything the sociopath does is that unquenchable desire to control in order to feel powerful. The only way they can do this is by learning you, and they usually succeed through their deceptive recollections of the woes, chaos, and misery they have experienced in each relationship they have ever had. What they will fail to tell you is how they were the ones who caused all the woes, misery, and chaos.
Second, the sociopath does not begin to open up unless they have verified you will not question them too deeply about the things they say and/or do, because this will afford them space they need to tell more lies that all sound believable. As long as they know they are deceiving you, they will feel as though they are in control of you. As long as they feel they are in control of you, they feel powerful. For example, in the scenario described in the beginning of The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 1) , the sociopath was never questioned for their odd change in behavior. They were never asked if anything was wrong that would warrant their strange behavior because they made sure it was clearly understood how much they despise questions. Usually, the sociopath despises questions because they tend to lie so much and so often that they lose track of what they have already told you. When questioned, they become furious. Any normal human being who is telling the truth would have no problem explaining the truth again. For the sociopath, it is mentally agonizing to recall everything that they have already said since a majority of what they have said was a lie.
Lastly, the sociopath needs to know what makes you tick to learn how much they can get away with. They probe you looking for any weaknesses you may have. These weaknesses are what they will use to exploit you later on when they cannot have their way with having control and power over you. Remember in The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 1) , they first started satisfying their need to control and feel powerful by causing enormous pain and suffering on helpless animals. The keyword here is “helpless”. During the entire time you are opening up to the sociopath, they are looking for anything they see as a sign of weakness that they can use to break you down to a level of helplessness. While you are opening up to them, the first thing that grabs their undivided attention is your fears. If you have not already opening expressed them, they will most definitely ask about them. Your fears equals their control.
In a healthy relationship, we want to know our partner’s fears so we can make sure they never ever happen. When the sociopath know your fears, they will devise plans to make them come true in order to get their way, and more importantly, to feel like they have some sort of power and control over you. Eventually, you will give in to their unreasonable demands after they have exploited your fears in hopes the sociopath will stop this sadistic way of manipulating you into submission. They do the same with your hopes and dreams; they will deliberately find ways to intercept them, delay them, and even destroy them when they cannot have their way as a way of showing you just how much control they can have over you. In this, you will get the chance to see just how cold and heartless they can be, for they have no boundaries as to what lengths they will go to make sure they get what they want. But mostly, the sociopath will pretend to be concerned in making your hopes and dreams come true (especially if it involves a “happy ending” with them) as a way to keep you holding on to this dysfunctional relationship that will only reveal itself to be a catastrophic failure in the end. This provides them with a sense of security while they secretly plan and plot to get whatever it is they want to get out of you.
This type of behavior is called “passive aggressiveness”, and is the prime tool the sociopath uses to mentally torture you once they have won you completely. Some of the ways the sociopath might behave to achieve control are listed below:
Non-Communication: when there is clearly something problematic to discuss
Avoiding/Ignoring: when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly
Evading: problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand
Procrastinating: intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones
Obstructing: deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change
Fear of Competition: Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something
Ambiguity: Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations
Sulking: Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.
Chronic Lateness: A way to put you in control over others and their expectations
Chronic Forgetting: Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way
Fear of Intimacy: Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship
Making Excuses: Always coming up with reasons for not doing things
Victimisation: Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one
Self-Pity: the poor me scenario
Blaming: others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.
Withholding: usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party
Learned Helplessness: where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible
The above except was taken from the following website: What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine