Something to think about: “Walls were Made to be Broken” (part 4) The Demolition Process

Hopefully by now, you have uncovered which walls need your immediate attention and which walls do not. I would suggest beginning the demolition process on any wall that is causing an immediate hindrance to your daily living, such as anything that is interfering with your peace of mind. Nothing compares to enjoying life with a healthy state of mind. Remember – you only get one life; it is better to make the most of the time you have to spend on this earth than to waste it and regret it later.

So on to the demolition…

The demolition process basically starts off following the same procedures for both Conscious and Unconscious Walls. The only difference is the amount of time it takes to completely destroy them. That time is determined by factors such as when that wall was placed there and who put it there. For example: an Unconscious Wall that has been built by an authority figure, such as a parental figure, a lover, or whomever you have depended on for emotional support and approval, may take years to demolish simply because it has been ingrained inside your heart and mind as a necessity for survival. Let’s say, for instance, a child who grows up in an environment that is unsympathetic and is full of callousness may have had to learn to adapt to that kind of situation by becoming so thick-skinned that they do not know how to love or be loved. They reject anyone who comes across as caring and sympathetic, or the total opposite, because they do not recognize that real love and are only receptive to people who resemble the authority figures of the environment they have grown up in. They will recreate their childhood environment because that IS their comfort zone. It may take years before this person can make a successful personal transformation, but it is not impossible.

So let’s begin with a less challenging wall to destroy: the Conscious Wall. Just a quick recall, a Conscious Wall is one that is derived from a realistic fear stemmed from an illogical belief. Examples of this would be along the lines of stereotyping: ALL marriages end in divorce, ALL blondes are dimwitted, ALL males are cheaters, and ALL women are not as intelligent as a man, and so on. Plenty can be said about the stereotyping of gender, sexual preference, and races but I will not get too deep into those details. When stereotype a person, place or thing, we will react to them according to what we feel is appropriate, and that includes avoidance. Keep in mind it is healthy and wise to avoid something or someone we know for a fact is not in our best interest. However, stereotyping is not based on facts. Stereotyping is based on opinion and does not necessarily mean one part applies to the whole, if you catch my drift.

But how do we debunk any hypothetical stereotyping beliefs we may have?

Get out there and find out for yourself. Be realistic; nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, hang-ups, etc., but is that not what makes us all unique? None of our personal flaws may have anything to do with our gender, our cultural background, or our sexual preference.  The funny thing about social networking, such as Facebook, Twitter, Linked-In, etc., is we all can be whoever we want to be behind the screen, but it is the words that we speak that will be noticed by others first. We do not see a face, a race, or a gender unless we post a profile picture, and even that sometimes is not always truthful. The bottom line is: you will never know what you are missing until you get to know the character of a person. Drop everything that you have heard and read about a gender, a culture, or a sexual preference and just meet a variety of people from all, and I do mean ALL, walks of life and from any and every category. Remember, you yourself fall into one or more categories. Would you want someone to discriminate against you without giving you a fair chance?

 

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

Ways To Test Someone’s Character: The Response Test

This blog would coincide with a previous blog I wrote entitled ” A Life Without Problems: Character and Ability”, whereas I briefly defined the two terms, but for now, I would like to concentrate more on character.

The character of a person distinctly defines who they are. It is the image we build for ourselves based on our moral and ethical qualities. It is what determines how we are approached and why we are not approached by others. Unfortunately, we live in a world where imposters hide behind a fake wall of integrity, compassion, sympathy, and all other forms of “goodwill” for the sake of covering up their true identity. This, of course, is called “charm”, but that is something that only lasts for the moment. Character lasts a lifetime.

There are ways to test the character of a person, and with these tests, you may discover signs that are sometimes inadvertently overlooked when getting to know someone.
Test their response to:

How do they react to correction
How do they react to loss
How do they react to praise
How do they react to receiving a gift

Reaction to correction:

“You think I am wrong? You must be crazy!”

“You think I am wrong? You might be right!”

Note how both responses start the same but end entirely different based on the person’s own self-perception. The first response is a sign the person feels they are never wrong, and if anyone thinks they are, there must be something wrong with them. This is a sign this person is definitely hard to get along with. They want to be right all the time, even when they know they are wrong. Negotiating is obsolete for them, or just purely does not apply. They rarely apologize, and when they do, there is always some sort of condition to it, such as “I may be wrong, but you are (fill in the blank)”. If they do finally break down and admit they were wrong, they will try to turn the focus onto the millions of things they feel you did wrong regardless if it has anything to do with the situation at hand.  They can never take full blame or responsibility for their own actions without somehow pinning part of their responsibility onto you, too.

Reaction to loss:

“I am so glad it did not happen to me!”

“I hope everyone is okay.”

Keep in mind the normal reaction to hearing about someone’s loss. Usually, the first words that come out are “I am sorry to hear that”, or “are you okay”, or some form of showing concern for the other person’s well-being. The first response shows a person who obviously only thinks about themselves, how they feel, and how the situation affects them. They show no sympathy or empathy because they have none. They cannot put themselves in other’s shoes because the only shoes they have an interest in is their own. Selfish people do not make good friends, partners, or lovers since they lack the compassion. People who lack compassion are most likely to lack remorse for their actions when they have hurt you.
Reaction to praise:

“It’s about time everyone sees how great I am!”

“I do not see what all the fuss over me is about.”

I am sorry, I have to say this… that first response is just too obvious. It almost makes you want to immediately take your praise back. I have literally heard people say this out loud and expected others to cheer them on in return. Arrogance is never pretty nor is it attractive. An arrogant person will always look down on you in spite of all the palpable reasons not to. They cannot wait for the opportunity to disrespect you in some way, shape or form because in doing so gives them a sense of power. However, do not mistake pride for arrogance. A person can be proud of their accomplishments, their achievements, and so forth without expressing their sense of superiority at someone else’s expense.
Reaction to receiving a gift:

“It’s about time I got this!”

“How did you know this is what I wanted!”

Please do not dismiss the first response as a joke. This person secretly believes they deserve some sort of special entitlement or recognition. They may feel everyone should be grateful just to have them in their presence the minute they step into the room. Never expect an arrogant person to be grateful for what you do for them. They will never appreciate it no matter how much, how soon, or how effective you are at doing it.  They usually expect others to do for them what they do not want to make the effort to do for themselves.  They live their life thinking the world owes them. They rarely give gifts, and when they do, it is arranged in such a way that the gift will benefit them more than it will the recipient.

So why do we overlook these signs?

Well, the best explanation I can come up with is that we get so lost in the moment of the initial impression, in the euphoria of it all, that we tend to lose sight of what is real and what is not. Our minds go astray and begin to drift off into the portrait of what appears to be wholesome, not realizing something very different is missing from the entire equation. The next thing we know, we become overwhelmed with an inexplicable puzzling feeling that something is just quite not right with the person, yet we still find ourselves magnetically drawn to the madness to find out what is really going on beneath the surface. By this time, we are too far gone to accept the probability that maybe this person is just not who they say they are. We have invested our precious time, our energy, and unfortunately for some, our money into someone with a bogus identity who does not deserve any of it. This is when we start to want to seek closure, only to find ourselves in a whirlwind of confusing dead-end trails.

I can tell you from my first-hand experience it is not worth getting too close to a person who has forged their image in order to gain your respect, attention, and trust. Once you have realized that person is not deemed worthy of any more of your time, energy and resources, it is best to just cut your losses and walk away. You will never get closure, and they will make sure of it. The longer you stick around to figure out the real identity, the longer it will take for you to restore your own sanity, correct the damages (if any), and begin to rebuild your life.

Look into the mirror. Take each response and say them out loud to yourself. If the first response in each test makes you feel uncomfortable, remember that feeling the next time someone makes you feel the same way and avoid that person before you end up regretting it. If you are comfortable with saying all of the first responses, check yourself. Something is not right within you…

© 2013 Learus Ohnine