When Your Father Is A Sociopath

I am re-blogging this mainly because I have only touched on sociopaths from a romantic perspective, but not so much from a relative/family viewpoint. Plus, I think it is very well written…

Thought Catalog

When people ask about your family, you try to not mention him. You describe your beloved siblings and your outstanding mother in elaborate and adoring detail and you try to glide effortlessly into asking them about their family. If you’re lucky, they don’t catch it. They don’t ask “Well, what about your dad?” You never know how to answer. Even a decade later, you’re still caught off guard.

For us, the children of sociopaths, the tales of drunks and addicts and abusers are a fantasy. Granted, a disgustingly twisted one, but a fantasy nonetheless. In the “perfect” world of primetime dramas, the deadbeat dad is just trying to figure himself out. He’s trying to get clean or sober or work through his haunting past. It’s almost no one’s fault. A third-party is involved. Everyone wishes that the father had been better or stronger, but the neglect, the absence, is a…

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Give Meaning to Life: Support a Cause With Passion

“Supporting a cause you’re passionate about gives you a raison d’être bigger than yourself – a meaning in life bigger than one’s own success or glorification.” – Actor Michael Teh

See more at: Charity Meets: Michael Teh

How To Avoid Being Lured In

One of the most important things to understand when dealing with a sociopath/psychopath is you must know their language. You must be able to understand the meaning behind each word they speak in order to understand them. Almost everything they say has a varied meaning from the norm. They use common everyday terms to express themselves, just like anyone else, but their definitions of certain keywords and phrases are eccentrically different from its originally intended implication.

Below lists just a few phrases most sociopaths/psychopaths use when trying to lure (and keep) their victims. Under each phrase will be the real meaning behind what the phrase means for the sociopath/psychopath when it is spoken. All these phrases are familiar phrases and are spoken by the sociopath/psychopath with the intent to misguide you into believing their motives for you are pure, true, and genuine:

Here it is….

1) “I Love You
Meaning: “You give me a rush at the moment”

2) “You Love Me
Meaning: “You forego your needs to bend to my will”

3) “Trust Me
Meaning: “What a sucker!”

4) “You’re the man/woman of my life
Meaning: “You are one of a long indefinite sequence of women/men that’s also simultaneous”

5) “Mutual Fidelity
Meaning: “YOU need to be faithful to me, while I cheat on you…”

6) “Betrayal
Meaning: “You dared to disapprove of something I did, or, you disobeyed me in some respect”

7) “Mutual Commitment
Meaning: “You need to revolve everything in your life around me, and do exactly what I want”

8) “Honesty
Meaning: “My truth, or, saying whatever it takes to get me what I want at the moment”

9) “I Miss You
Meaning: “I miss the function you used to play in my life, because I’m a little bored right now…”

10) “What My Baby Wants, My Baby Gets
Meaning: “I will give you attention, flattery, and gifts until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust. Afterwards, you’re on your own!”

This last phrase, the most important most common phrase sociopaths/psychopaths use on victims more frequently than we would like to believe (or notice) is the most crucial phrase of them all to remember… a major red flag to watch for:

11) “I cheated because my (insert name here) does not satisfy me
Meaning: “…and neither will you.”

(Source: Unknown)

Bonus Tip!: Whenever you question any of the above phrases, watch them change the subject quickly. VERY quickly. They might flip through several subjects at once. This is what they mean by a “flow” when they speak. That flow is meant to distract you from thinking logically, critically, and reasonably. You will be hit with so many topics at once that you began to feel mentally overwhelmed. When we are mentally overwhelmed, we lose focus. And there it is; a distraction tactic designed perfectly by them for you.

Regardless of your response, they’re not paying one bit of attention to what you’re saying because they are too busy reading your body language to see if their distraction technique is working. They can sense this within the first few moments of your response. If they sense the new topic is not distracting enough, that is when they “zone out” and begin thinking of another topic that seemed to pull a more desired response from you. Usually, they will choose a subject that was never settled during an earlier confrontation in order to cause confusion over getting you to think about not only one, but two unresolved issues at once now. Keyword here: distraction.

Another method they may use will be to focus on some insignificant word in what you have said, such as one that can be understood to have more than one meaning, and will try to start a debate about that particular word’s instead of the meaning of the entire sentence. Their game of confusion begins, until you are frustrated with trying make them understand the definition of the word, you begin to lose focus on the point you were trying to make. Again, this is a form of distraction.

Be safe, be careful, be alert…

©2013 Learus Ohnine

Adolescence and Violence

Raising a child in this day and age can be stressful. Most parents concern themselves with protecting their children from the harmful elements that may endanger their child’s physical growth, such as keeping current with vaccinations, proper nutritional planning, and instructing exemplary hygiene practices. Taking a child’s physical well-being seriously is commendable, however, it will not guarantee a child’s healthy state of mind. Children need to be protected from exposure to the more potentially dangerous influences in their environment that can easily be misconstrued as harmless.

Television and video games, a popular form of entertainment among adolescent males and females today, may appear to be harmless at first, but they most certainly do have some sort of negative impact on a child’s psychological health, especially if the theme focuses on the complexity of violence. Television programs today do not contain the same censored quality as the programs of yesterday once had. As time moves on, the level of violence seen in these programs have become exceedingly more violent, more vulgar, and more corrupt as this seems to be what generates the highest ratings.

Video games allow the players to become one with their characters with more hands-on interaction than television offers. However, becoming one with a character whose goal is to successfully conquer a series of violent scenarios by using violent techniques in order to win runs a risk of programming a child’s mind to believe the most effective way to win in life is by the use of violence.

Some say the solution to preventing exposure to violent mediums is by monitoring what a child is exposed to. While this method may be effective to some degree, it is not a sound proof method to the fullest. Internet access has parental control loopholes where children can easily slip through restrictions to gain access to violent video games, movies, and television programs. While one parent may show great concern for the content their child has access to, another parent may not. Children sharing violent resources amongst their peers has become a common method of ensuing the circulation of violent content.

Is there any hope in the discovery of a method to prevent adolescences from being exposed to violence? One option that may be most effective is to set the example. Since children do indeed learn by example, we as adults must consider our own behaviors before we can address theirs. The slightest detail that we may overlook as influential may have a profound impact on any psychological wars our children face when managing the right choices for their own behaviors.

©2013 Learus Ohnine

What Would You Do If… ??

… if someone you knew was about to get involved with a sociopath, what would you do? Do you warn the person, hoping the person isn’t too far gone to realize it’s not too late to turn back around? Or do you mind your own business and hope for the best outcome?

 

For me, I can’t just sit still and watch a blind man (or woman) fall into a ditch. That’s not me.

 

However, we can never be so sure that maybe warning someone might be the cause of a disaster, whereas the warned person uses this info to their advantage to help facilitate their ulterior motive for the sociopath. That’s not me, either.

 

Although I have no romantic interest in neither the sociopath or it’s victim, there’s a part of me that will always  feel funny knowing what I know and not doing anything about it. If something tragic were to happen, I would never be able to forgive myself.

 

On the other hand, people can become highly offended when they hear the truth about someone they don’t want to think of in any other light but the way the person has presented themselves. Sociopaths, especially, get highly vindictive when they’ve been exposed. This might backfire if I try to intervene.

 

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

 

 

 

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

 

 

The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 7)

So far, all I have been writing about is on what it would be like if you were involved with a sociopath. Hopefully those mock scenarios were helpful, however, I believe it would be even more helpful to give a few tips on how to recognize a sociopath long before you get too deeply involved with them…

TIP #1: Pay attention to how they talk about women (if it is a man) or men (if it is a woman) in a derogatory way. They sometimes let true feelings slip out when conversing about gender roles. If the person is a male and is always referring to women in some perverted way, this usually means they think of women as sex objects or toys. If they talk down about women, referring to them as the “B” word, and likes to watch women being abused, tortured or raped, run for the hills. If you are a woman, just because he whispers sweet nothings in your ear all day long and yet talks with this negative attitude towards the female species does not mean you are special and he will not want to treat you the same way the minute you do something that angers them. You are only a good woman as long as you are useful to them, and them only. The same goes for a woman who says hateful slanderous things about men in general. She will never respect you as an individual no matter how hard you try to win her over.

EXAMPLE FOR TIP #1:

S-path: I think women are the most beautiful things on this planet. I love them dearly.

Her: You do? Why that’s a nice thing to say. I love men as well…

S-path: Oh really? Great!

(Both watching a movie, non-comedy;  scene shows woman getting slapped by a man)

S-path: AHAHAHAHA!! That’s what that b*tch gets! HAHAHA!

(suddenly, S-path’s phone rings)

S-path (looks at caller-ID): Oh not this b*tch again. It’s my accountant. She’s staying extra late at the office to work on my taxes.

(S-path answers call; talks politely to her, then hangs up)

S-path: HA! That b*tch is so stupid! She says she’s got an emergency. Her child fell down the stairs. Dumb b*tch should be at home anyways!

Now think: why on earth would a man who is trying to seduce a woman use this kind of language when referring to other women (especially one that is making personal sacrifices to help him) IN FRONT OF HER?? Notice how his actions do not match up to what he said about women general.

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TIP #2: Pay attention to how they respect their parents. When we were kids, it was normal to express our dislikes of how we were raised by our parents while growing up because we didn’t realize at the time that they were raising us in a way that was meant for our own good later down the road in life.  For example, we complained about our curfew times, having to do chores, our homework, not being able to stay up late when we wanted to, etc., but it wasn’t until when we became adults and had to apply that self-discipline and responsibility in the real world did we really begin to appreciate that parental discipline. We may not of liked what we had to go through, but we went through it without much of a fuss. If a person brags about how they rebelled against their parents in a sadistic way whenever they tried to discipline them, look out. This usually means they despise restrictions of any kind and have no respect for boundaries, rules, or laws and will retaliate the second they feel restricted by them.

EXAMPLE FOR TIP #2:

S-path: Yeah I loved my mom to death, but I have to tell you a funny story.

Her: Oh, okay 🙂

S-path: There was this one time when she told me I was grounded for bad grades, so I tied all her jewelry in knots, and then I flushed them down the toilet. HAHA isn’t that funny?! She knew who was the boss around there! AHAHA!

Her: um… okay 😐

S-path: Oh yeah, and speaking of which, there was a time when the neighbors told me I wasn’t invited to their birthday party, so I tied a brick around their cat’s neck and threw it in their swimming pool. You should of seen the look on their faces HAHAHA! Oh man! AHAHAHAHA ahh those were the days!

Her: (shrugges shoulders)

If you start to laugh at the sociopath’s sick things they did while they’re recollecting their childhood, they will interpret this to mean you like their sense of humor… and… will also expect you to laugh and enjoy it when they do these same things to YOU!

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TIP #3: Pay attention to how fast they talk. Sociopaths talk fast; REAL fast. They do not want to give you time to think about what they’re saying; they just want you to hurry up and see things their way and make a decision in their favor. They encourage you to make decisions irrationally and impulsively. They also don’t stick to one subject for too long out of fear you might start asking questions that they cannot answer ( or do not want to answer) when you’re trying to make sense of what they’re saying. Most sociopaths talk in metaphors and do so in a way that it gives the listener one impression while the sociopath really means something totally different; again this is all to get you to do something rash in their favor.

EXAMPLE FOR TIP#3

S-path: Hey, you’re pretty cool. I could really like you alot. You know that, right?

Her: (giggles) Yeah I know. 😀

S-path: Yeah I’m really tired of going over to my sister’s house. It’s a long travel back and forth from work.

Her: Where does your sister live?

S-path: I have to wake up at 5:30 every morning just to get to work on time.

Her: Oh wow! That’s really early!

S-path: Yeah it is. If I fall asleep by 10:00 the night before, it’s not so bad. You’re lucky. You live close to every place I go to.

Her: Thanks but I just happened to find this place by…

S-path: (interrupts) Say, you wouldn’t mind if I crashed here for the night, would you? I have to get up awfully early in the morning. It’s 9:30pm already. Time sure does fly when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?

Her: Yep, it sure does. Sure you can stay.

(S-path spends the night at her house; they have passionate sex; S-path leaves half of his belongs at her house before he leaves in the morning)

Notice how the sociopath quickly redirects the conversation away from her question about the location of his sister. Why? Because there is no sister. He lives with another woman. This slick sociopath is trying to set up camp in a new woman’s house without officially leaving the present woman he lives with first. Also note how the sociopath starts off with a charming opening line that goes right over the lady’s head. He says “I COULD really like you alot”, not “I really like you alot” or “I DO like you alot”.  “Could” is too vague with how it’s used in this sentence and can easily be misconstrued for the wrong meaning, which is what the sociopath is trying to do.  Again, the sociopath quickly changes the subject from confessing his “real” emotions to his woes about traveling back and forth to work so the lady won’t have time to really think about what he just said previously, and question it.

In fact, the sociopath is such a fast-talker that she didn’t pick up on his subtle hints about moving in with her because he gave her the impression he wanted to stay only for one night. And, the sociopath’s preferred “weapon” of choice is passionate sex, guaranteed to throw all of her common sense out the window while he’s throwing smoke in her eyes so she can’t see what’s really going on. She doesn’t realize this until after the 4th or 5th night, when he leaves a little more of his belongs each time. The sociopath pulled this trick as if he didn’t want to give her not so much as a choice in the matter; just a sob story and several changes of his underwear, socks, and clothing.

So these are just a few tips and examples of what to look out for when first interacting with a sociopath. It’s kind of difficult to detect when a sociopath is deceiving you when you are all caught up in the euphoria of their charms, until it’s too late. There are many many more tips and examples that need to be pointed out, in which I will write more as I recollect them. Hope this little tidbit is helpful.

(to be continued…)

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

The Sociopath: A Social Terrorist (part 6)

“You and your mate seem to share so many common interests. You both enjoy spending time with each other while appreciating the finer things in life. One of those finer things is enjoying the good company of your mutual associates. Your mate says they value personality above all things and are adamant about the importance of maintaining good friendship. You value the same thing as well…

But lately, you have noticed a change in the way you and your mate’s mutual associates interact with you. These associates seem to act in an awkward way whenever you are around, as if they feel uncomfortable saying even the smallest word such as ‘hello’.  You have not done anything derogatory towards them directly, at least nothing that you can recall. Some days they seem moody as if it is painful for them to speak to back to you when spoken to, or, they make strange facial jesters towards you whenever you mention your mate’s name. Consequently, this arouses your suspicions as to why they are acting this way. Your confront your mutual associates about your suspicions to no avail. You then confront your mate about this, who claims they do not have any idea what is going on with your mutual associates. 

You also begin to notice something strange about your mate’s behavior at the same time. They seem to prefer to talk to you over the telephone rather than spend time together physically. They suspiciously ask you questions about your whereabouts more often, are more secretive than before with their cell phone, and seem very concerned about what is being said to you about them by your mutual associates.

They seem to want to pick a fight with you over the slightest things at the oddest of times, such as during a dinner or a movie date, and then refuse to be consoled about the situation in spite of all the facts you tell them that discredits their false accusations that cause them to start the argument in the first place. There are times when they will blurt out false accusations about you in front of certain mutual associates, then afterwards pretend as if nothing they said or did ever happened. Also, you notice your mate seems to change their attitude towards you in a derogatory way depending on which mutual associate is nearby at the time, but then changes back into their loving self with you behind closed doors. Sometimes, it even seems like your mate is mimicking this same mutual associate identically in dialog, body language, and personality…

Oddly enough, you began to question the change in personality with your mate whenever certain mutual associates are present. As usual, your mate becomes highly irritated with the fact that you would dare to question them. You explain to them why you are questioning them, in which they reply with answers that has nothing to do with your original question. Your mate seems to ramble on and on forever about nothing related to their behavior until they manage to change the direction of the discussion off of anything focused on themselves. Whenever you try to intervene in the middle of their ramblings with your original question about their behavior, they switch the focus onto your behavior instead of focusing on their own. Over time, your mate deliberately causes more and more distance between the two of you whenever you question their behavior…

Surprisingly enough, one of your mutual associates says something to you that lets you know that your mate has been trying to seduce them behind your back. Another associate informs you that your mate has been talking to others about things that you confided in your mate about that should have been kept a secret. You immediately confront your mate about this. Your mate denies all accusations to the extreme. They try to make this mutual associates look like a liar. Your mate tells you they have never tried to seduce a particular mutual associate, although you have witnessed first-hand for yourself how your mate seems to be extra charming towards them when they thought you were not looking… 

When you confront your mate about telling your mutual associate what was supposed to be private between the two of you, your mate tries to make it seem like you were the one that told them when you know in fact you did not, and then proceeds to tell you about all the private information these associates shared with your mate. In the midst of your mate trying to defend themselves, they periodically slip and tell on themselves, without being aware that they are, which confirms everything that was said about your mate as being the truth. When you point this out to your mate, they try to retract whatever they have said as if they never said anything at all…”

Sociopaths are notorious for causing division among mutual associates. They love division if there is something to be gained from it. Their motive for gain could be anything from money to sex, and from drugs to someone who could be an accomplice in helping them destroy your sanity, your reputation, and even your life. For example, If you have had a riff with one of your mutual associates whom the sociopath thinks they can gain something from, they try to step in between the two of you and play both of you against one another.

They do this to cause more tension in whatever environment you and your ex-associate may share. They immediately search for your ex-associate and feed the fire by telling them fabricated stories about how badly you have been treating the sociopath when it was really the sociopath who has been treating you badly, how badly you have been talking about them behind their back when it was really the sociopath who has said all those things to you about them, and will even go as far as acting all of this out with you in front of them just to make their lies look legitimate. They will try to show your ex-associate their loyalty to them verses you in order to gain their trust by telling them either some or all of your secrets, then afterwards will go behind their back and tell you some or all of theirs. They offer to be of whatever service they can to your ex-associate in an attempt to seduce them behind your back. This is why the sociopath deliberately creates distance between you two; they need that space in order to be available whenever your ex-associate wants them to be without it seeming obvious to you. 

The sociopath wants the division between the two of you to stay there permanently, especially if there is something to be gained from this for them, and will go out of their way to make sure you both will never reconcile again. They do this by baiting your ex-associate into doing sneaky deceptive things with them behind your back, such as dating, sex, etc. In other words, the sociopath will charm them in the same manner they have charmed you, and this is why the stories you hear about the sociopath seducing another mutual associate seem so familiar. They persuade your mutual associate to engage in acts that would otherwise be unforgivable by you should you ever find out about them. It also guarantees the sociopath will have a “weapon” to use against you whenever they want to emotionally hurt you, get you to bend to their wishes, or when they want that adrenaline rush of power from emotionally blackmailing you.

Beware if you are the one on the other end of this equation: if you are the ex-associate. Do not underestimate the level of deceptiveness the sociopath will stoop to in order to get you to fall for their lies to win you over. The sociopath will play on your anger, hate, jealousy, or whatever emotion you have towards your ex-associate. Do not under any circumstances get too close to the sociopath; they will use any instances of interaction with you as blackmail later on. Just the same as your ex-associate was deceived into believing the sociopath’s lies, so will you be. You are no exception.

Remember: if it seems too good to be true, chances are it probably is…

(to be continued…)

© 2013 Learus Ohnine