Is it just me, or…

… does it seem like time is moving faster this year than any other year before?…

… does it seem like people are rushing everywhere, but end up going nowhere?…

… does it seem like everyone has something to say, but they wind up saying nothing?…

… does it seem like the more you cry, the less you feel?…

… does it seem like hearts are getting colder while minds are turning into infernos?. ..

… does it seem like fear has become a commodity?…

… does it seem like everybody cares, but nobody wants to know?…

… does it seem like the louder you scream, no one notices you?…

… does it seem like everyone is into themselves, yet are still lonely?…

… does it seem like people are more distant than ever before, yet they appear to be closer than we thought?…

… does it seem like visiting the past reveals the hard truth that the past never existed?…

… does it seem like the phrase “the end of the world” really means the end of YOUR world?…

Ah well…  was just a thought…

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

Something to think about: “Walls were Made to be Broken” (part 4) The Demolition Process

Hopefully by now, you have uncovered which walls need your immediate attention and which walls do not. I would suggest beginning the demolition process on any wall that is causing an immediate hindrance to your daily living, such as anything that is interfering with your peace of mind. Nothing compares to enjoying life with a healthy state of mind. Remember – you only get one life; it is better to make the most of the time you have to spend on this earth than to waste it and regret it later.

So on to the demolition…

The demolition process basically starts off following the same procedures for both Conscious and Unconscious Walls. The only difference is the amount of time it takes to completely destroy them. That time is determined by factors such as when that wall was placed there and who put it there. For example: an Unconscious Wall that has been built by an authority figure, such as a parental figure, a lover, or whomever you have depended on for emotional support and approval, may take years to demolish simply because it has been ingrained inside your heart and mind as a necessity for survival. Let’s say, for instance, a child who grows up in an environment that is unsympathetic and is full of callousness may have had to learn to adapt to that kind of situation by becoming so thick-skinned that they do not know how to love or be loved. They reject anyone who comes across as caring and sympathetic, or the total opposite, because they do not recognize that real love and are only receptive to people who resemble the authority figures of the environment they have grown up in. They will recreate their childhood environment because that IS their comfort zone. It may take years before this person can make a successful personal transformation, but it is not impossible.

So let’s begin with a less challenging wall to destroy: the Conscious Wall. Just a quick recall, a Conscious Wall is one that is derived from a realistic fear stemmed from an illogical belief. Examples of this would be along the lines of stereotyping: ALL marriages end in divorce, ALL blondes are dimwitted, ALL males are cheaters, and ALL women are not as intelligent as a man, and so on. Plenty can be said about the stereotyping of gender, sexual preference, and races but I will not get too deep into those details. When stereotype a person, place or thing, we will react to them according to what we feel is appropriate, and that includes avoidance. Keep in mind it is healthy and wise to avoid something or someone we know for a fact is not in our best interest. However, stereotyping is not based on facts. Stereotyping is based on opinion and does not necessarily mean one part applies to the whole, if you catch my drift.

But how do we debunk any hypothetical stereotyping beliefs we may have?

Get out there and find out for yourself. Be realistic; nobody is perfect. We all have flaws, hang-ups, etc., but is that not what makes us all unique? None of our personal flaws may have anything to do with our gender, our cultural background, or our sexual preference.  The funny thing about social networking, such as Facebook, Twitter, Linked-In, etc., is we all can be whoever we want to be behind the screen, but it is the words that we speak that will be noticed by others first. We do not see a face, a race, or a gender unless we post a profile picture, and even that sometimes is not always truthful. The bottom line is: you will never know what you are missing until you get to know the character of a person. Drop everything that you have heard and read about a gender, a culture, or a sexual preference and just meet a variety of people from all, and I do mean ALL, walks of life and from any and every category. Remember, you yourself fall into one or more categories. Would you want someone to discriminate against you without giving you a fair chance?

 

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

The Realization Of Character

Everything we do starts with words. Words will determine who we are. Whatever we think we are, we will become. It is no wonder why we see so many people who struggle with low self-esteem, but that is such an extensive topic that I will save for a later discussion.

I am sure you all have heard the “formula” for how one’s character comes into fruition and the end result of where our character will lead us. If not, I will briefly go over the famous formula in order of importance:

“Words = Thoughts”

“Thoughts = Actions”

“Actions = Habits”

“Habits = Behaviors”

“Behaviors = Character”

“Character = Our Destiny”

“Words = Thoughts”: Words will determine your thoughts. Words are very powerful. Like it says in the Bible, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue…” (Proverbs 18:21). When we insult someone, we are killing them figuratively. When we compliment someone, we are giving them life. It does not matter if words are spoken or written; they will have the same affect on the listener and/or reader. We begin to think exactly what words tell us to think. We should be aware of what we say to one another as well as what we hear and read because once we let those words take root into our minds, we become those words.

“Thoughts = Actions”: Our thoughts have a heavy impact on the things we do. Most all of our actions start with our thoughts.  We can think ourselves into motivation, inspiration, encouragement, and so on. On the other hand, we can think ourselves into procrastination, depression, discouragement, and so on. Our thoughts will determine what we will do next.

“Actions = Habits”: Our actions will become our habits. Have you ever met someone who seemed impossible to change the way they think about themselves? They have learned to adapt to a particular way of thinking that their whole life is arranged around their thought processes.  They withdraw instead of socializing. They retreat when faced with challenges. They may have been told time and time again that they are stupid or a failure, and so they tend to believe those words without applying themselves to rise above the adversity of those words. That is because they have become so comfortable in thinking what they think is true, it has become a habit. Habits are hard to break.

“Habits = Behaviors”: Habits develop into behaviors. Hurting people hurt other people. It is just that simple. Very rarely have I come across an angry individual who goes out of their way to make others happy. In fact, I have seen hurting people deliberately hurt others to bring them down and have said this somehow makes them feel better knowing someone else is hurting just as much as they are. I suppose this would account for the numerous abuse  and murder cases in the world today because this seems to be the only outlet a hurting person knows, trusts, and feels comfortable in doing. It is a horrible habit that, unfortunately, has become a behavior that is justified in their minds.

“Behaviors = Character”: Our behavior determines our character. People are known for what they do. Someone who carries a reputation for lying, stealing and cheating has built that reputation centered around those actions. The same goes for someone who has proven to be trustworthy, honest and caring. People are more drawn to these traits. Our character derives from the behaviors we set forth and also determine the type of characters we draw to us.

“Character = Destiny”: The kind of character we build for ourselves will determine our destiny. For example, if we are a well disciplined individual, chances are we will go far in life. We will resist the temptation to procrastinate in order to get things done. However, if we are lazy, we may not accomplish much in life due to neglecting important responsibilities. This is why it is so important to take heed as to the people who you allow in your life because they, too, can determine your destiny…

(to be continued…)

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

Ways To Test Someone’s Character: The Response Test

This blog would coincide with a previous blog I wrote entitled ” A Life Without Problems: Character and Ability”, whereas I briefly defined the two terms, but for now, I would like to concentrate more on character.

The character of a person distinctly defines who they are. It is the image we build for ourselves based on our moral and ethical qualities. It is what determines how we are approached and why we are not approached by others. Unfortunately, we live in a world where imposters hide behind a fake wall of integrity, compassion, sympathy, and all other forms of “goodwill” for the sake of covering up their true identity. This, of course, is called “charm”, but that is something that only lasts for the moment. Character lasts a lifetime.

There are ways to test the character of a person, and with these tests, you may discover signs that are sometimes inadvertently overlooked when getting to know someone.
Test their response to:

How do they react to correction
How do they react to loss
How do they react to praise
How do they react to receiving a gift

Reaction to correction:

“You think I am wrong? You must be crazy!”

“You think I am wrong? You might be right!”

Note how both responses start the same but end entirely different based on the person’s own self-perception. The first response is a sign the person feels they are never wrong, and if anyone thinks they are, there must be something wrong with them. This is a sign this person is definitely hard to get along with. They want to be right all the time, even when they know they are wrong. Negotiating is obsolete for them, or just purely does not apply. They rarely apologize, and when they do, there is always some sort of condition to it, such as “I may be wrong, but you are (fill in the blank)”. If they do finally break down and admit they were wrong, they will try to turn the focus onto the millions of things they feel you did wrong regardless if it has anything to do with the situation at hand.  They can never take full blame or responsibility for their own actions without somehow pinning part of their responsibility onto you, too.

Reaction to loss:

“I am so glad it did not happen to me!”

“I hope everyone is okay.”

Keep in mind the normal reaction to hearing about someone’s loss. Usually, the first words that come out are “I am sorry to hear that”, or “are you okay”, or some form of showing concern for the other person’s well-being. The first response shows a person who obviously only thinks about themselves, how they feel, and how the situation affects them. They show no sympathy or empathy because they have none. They cannot put themselves in other’s shoes because the only shoes they have an interest in is their own. Selfish people do not make good friends, partners, or lovers since they lack the compassion. People who lack compassion are most likely to lack remorse for their actions when they have hurt you.
Reaction to praise:

“It’s about time everyone sees how great I am!”

“I do not see what all the fuss over me is about.”

I am sorry, I have to say this… that first response is just too obvious. It almost makes you want to immediately take your praise back. I have literally heard people say this out loud and expected others to cheer them on in return. Arrogance is never pretty nor is it attractive. An arrogant person will always look down on you in spite of all the palpable reasons not to. They cannot wait for the opportunity to disrespect you in some way, shape or form because in doing so gives them a sense of power. However, do not mistake pride for arrogance. A person can be proud of their accomplishments, their achievements, and so forth without expressing their sense of superiority at someone else’s expense.
Reaction to receiving a gift:

“It’s about time I got this!”

“How did you know this is what I wanted!”

Please do not dismiss the first response as a joke. This person secretly believes they deserve some sort of special entitlement or recognition. They may feel everyone should be grateful just to have them in their presence the minute they step into the room. Never expect an arrogant person to be grateful for what you do for them. They will never appreciate it no matter how much, how soon, or how effective you are at doing it.  They usually expect others to do for them what they do not want to make the effort to do for themselves.  They live their life thinking the world owes them. They rarely give gifts, and when they do, it is arranged in such a way that the gift will benefit them more than it will the recipient.

So why do we overlook these signs?

Well, the best explanation I can come up with is that we get so lost in the moment of the initial impression, in the euphoria of it all, that we tend to lose sight of what is real and what is not. Our minds go astray and begin to drift off into the portrait of what appears to be wholesome, not realizing something very different is missing from the entire equation. The next thing we know, we become overwhelmed with an inexplicable puzzling feeling that something is just quite not right with the person, yet we still find ourselves magnetically drawn to the madness to find out what is really going on beneath the surface. By this time, we are too far gone to accept the probability that maybe this person is just not who they say they are. We have invested our precious time, our energy, and unfortunately for some, our money into someone with a bogus identity who does not deserve any of it. This is when we start to want to seek closure, only to find ourselves in a whirlwind of confusing dead-end trails.

I can tell you from my first-hand experience it is not worth getting too close to a person who has forged their image in order to gain your respect, attention, and trust. Once you have realized that person is not deemed worthy of any more of your time, energy and resources, it is best to just cut your losses and walk away. You will never get closure, and they will make sure of it. The longer you stick around to figure out the real identity, the longer it will take for you to restore your own sanity, correct the damages (if any), and begin to rebuild your life.

Look into the mirror. Take each response and say them out loud to yourself. If the first response in each test makes you feel uncomfortable, remember that feeling the next time someone makes you feel the same way and avoid that person before you end up regretting it. If you are comfortable with saying all of the first responses, check yourself. Something is not right within you…

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

Work and Romance: Can they mix?

Would you date someone who works at your job? I always get mixed answers when I ask this question. Most of the answers I get are all based around an office cliché that you should never date someone at your job, well, just because you should never date someone at your job. Period. That was the most common answer coming from those whom have had failed romances involving a fellow coworker. It is as if they have dismissed all the factual reasons behind why their romance really did not turn out as they hoped it would, and instead have opted for the easiest most blameless rational they could think of: you should never date someone at your job.  Each individual had their own rationale behind why dating should not be something that happens in within the work environment, and their rationales make sense. While I can respect their perspectives, I have my own opinions that are in opposition as to why I do not agree with some of their rationales, like:

“It does not look professional when you date someone who works at your job”

Who says the entire staff has to know? Whatever you do in your personal life does not have to broadcasted across the office floor.  Nobody has to know your business. A romance involves two people, not every name listed on the payroll system, and you do not need their approval to make it happen.

“If the romance falls apart, it will be difficult to work next to the other person”

Not necessarily. If this is a true concern, bring it to the forefront in the beginning of the romance and discuss how the two of you will address the situation should it ever occur. A majority of beginning work-related romances do not think of the future in terms of “the end” anyway, so it would be in the best interest of both individuals involved to be aware of the impact a breakup will have on each other if the romance were to dissolve.

“A romance between coworkers is doomed from the start just because they work together”

I cannot understand why. Whatever your partner does behind your back, he/she will do it regardless of whether or not you two work at the same job. Whatever actions a person does when they think no one is watching, be it good or bad, is done because it is a part of their character. If your partner is a dishonest person,  they will be that way no matter where they work at. If your partner is an honest person, they will be that way no matter where they work at. Both partners should be clear and precise on boundaries (if any), what they have to offer, what they expect in return, and what they will and will not tolerate. This is standard issue in any romance.

All in all, I personally think any romance can work regardless of where it originates. When two people decided to join together, no influence can tear their union apart unless they allow it. The same principle applies when two people decide to separate; no influence can bind that union back together again unless they allow it. It is all a matter of choice.

With that being said, I do not think anyone can help with whom they fall in love with and should not be penalized for it because of a cliche.

Agree or disagree?

The Conversation

Me: God, can I ask you a question?

God: Sure.

Me: Promise you won’t get mad?

God: I promise.

Me: Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today??

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late…

God: Yes.

Me: My car took forever to start…

God: Okay.

Me: At lunch, they made my sandwich long and I had to wait…

God: Hmm..

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call…

God: Alright.

Me: And on top of it all, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my new foot massager and relax, BUT it would NOT work…!!! NOTHING went right today! Why did you do that?!?!

God: Let me see.. the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of my Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me: (humbled) Oh.

God: I did not let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I did not want you to catch what they have. I knew you could not afford to miss work.

Me: (embarrassed) Okay.

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call. I did not even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me: (softly) I see God.

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all the power in your house tonight. I did not think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I am sorry God.

God: Do not be sorry, just learn to trust me… in all things, the good and the bad.

Me: I will trust you.

God: And do not doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan.

Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you God… thank you for everything.

God: You are welcome, my child. It was just another day being your God and I love looking after my children…

(unknown author)

Setback to Setup

 

Everyone encounters situations that get in the way of their progress of where they want to go in life, and every problem has a solution. Setbacks are a part of life. What matters most is how we handle those setbacks, and that starts by having the right attitude. If we keep the right attitude, we can look at our opposition as an opportunity.  What was meant for your harm was meant to be used for your advantage. Had it not been for the opposition, you would have done one of two things: either stayed in your boat or got on the wrong boat. So do not look at disappointments or betrayals as setbacks.  Setbacks are setups to catapult you forward in life.  Not only will you come out of the trouble, you will also be better off than you were before.

Two major setbacks to watch our for: Enemies and Closed Doors:

ENEMIES: Our enemies are there to promote us, to develop our character, and to make use stronger. With the right attitude, your enemies will push you out of your comfort zone. Each time you try to prove your enemies wrong by successfully showing them what you are capable of achieving, you have just promoted yourself above them. Your enemies can even be used to keep you moving forward so you don’t give up. By knowing your enemies are waiting to see you fall, that is more than enough motivation to discipline yourself to stay focused on what it is that you want to achieve. Do not fall into a pit of self-pity because people say hurtful things about you or to you. Hurting people do and say hurtful things to bring you down to their level, and they only try to do this to people they admire. Do not be discouraged because that one friend walked away. They were never really your friend to begin with or else they would have never walked away. Don’t be upset because someone betrayed your trust. There may have come a time in the future when you may have entrusted that person with something even more confidential than the thing they betrayed you with, and their betrayal may have been the one thing that destroyed your soul. Enemies set us up to learn how to focus on the future regardless of the stress and pressures we are under at the moment, and train us to focus on making decisions based on wisdom rather than emotion.

CLOSED DOORS:  Highways have lines; one on each side and one in the center. Those lines provide margins for our safety while we are driving forward to our destination. If we go over the line on the right side, we might drive into a ditch or over a cliff. If we cross over the line in the middle, we could get killed. We need those lines because they help keep us safe. It’s like that in our personal lives, too. When we have boundaries, borders, and margins, we feel much better and experience a sense of peace in our lives. Closed doors are similar to highway lines. Don’t fight against every closed door. Do not be angry and do not give up on your goals just because something you really wanted so badly did not come to pass when you wanted it to. That might have been the one door that would have destroyed you, or, it may be that the timing was not right for that door to open just yet. Either way, that closed door was a setup to get you closer to your destination.

Solution for Setbacks: Practice not complaining, not getting depressed or feeling defeated when facing a setback. Let go of any self-pity and let go of all self-blame. Now that you know those setbacks are actually setups in disguise, you can get a fresh vision for your life.

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

Jump-start your dreams

What are the dreams that have been placed in your heart? Actually, I am not technically asking if you have any; I already know you do, because all of us have dreams. What I would like for you to do is recall every dream you have ever wanted to accomplish.  Dreams are given to us for a reason. Dreams give us encouragement, hope, and insight. Dreams add fuel to our yearning for life. Whether you believe your dreams are given to you by a higher power as a premonition or are a byproduct of your own imagination, it would be a shame to let your dreams go to waste and not do anything to jump-start them into a reality.

I have seen people do all kind of things to their dreams. Some people have buried them so deep in their hearts in order to protect them from the criticism of others.  Some people have set them out of sight so they do not have to think about them anymore. Some people finally just give up on their dreams, because it hurts too much to hold on to them.

If you are any one of these types of people, do not throw away your dreams! Remember: they are given to you for a reason, so why not pursue them? It would be a shame to let such priceless and precious dreams go to waste when all you need is a starting point to jump-start your dreams:

First: You need to get a vision that is clear. A clear vision means to interpret your dream correctly. You can either do this yourself or do some research online on dream interpretation. It is very important to have a clear vision of what it is that you intend to achieve.  You do not want to find yourself going off on the wrong path in life. This will turn your dreams into nightmares.

Second: You must keep the vision in front of you at all times.  Keeping the vision in your eyesight at all times serves as a constant reminder of the reason why you wake up every morning, the purpose for your life, and the destination of where you want to be at in life. You could make a note to yourself and place this note wherever you spend a majority of your time. You could wear something symbolic that reminds you of your vision every time you see it or touch it. You could record a message to yourself and play it whenever you feel like giving up. Think of creative ways that work best for you.

Third: Find a balance between ambition and contentment.  Be content with what you have and where are in life at the moment, but do whatever it takes to stay ambitious enough to change your life for the better. Dreams can only be made into a reality step-by-step, one day at a time.

Fourth: Be patient – with yourself and your vision.  Having a vision does not mean that it will instantly appear.  There is a process, and that process requires a lot of work, time, dedication, and effort on your part. You have to remain just as enthused about the process of your vision as you are in the end result. Train yourself to be satisfied to the point where you are not disturbed by the progress you are making toward your vision, especially when it seems like you are not making any progression at all.

Never allow yourself to get upset with wherever you are at the moment. Remember, this is a one-step-one-day-at-a-time process. Always look forward to where you WILL be and learn to enjoy where you are while you are on your way to where you are going.

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

When You Are In A Relationship…

No matter what type of relationship it is, professional or personal, it is still considered a relationship. Some key facts to remember are:

“When you are in a relationship with a person who takes more than they are willing to give, what appears to be fair to you is just an illusion.”

Self-serving people do not believe in equality.  They do not practice fairness.  They feel like the world owes them and it should be grateful they are here. Actually, they live in a different world than ours, where everything is given to them with little or no effort or gratitude, and that is the way it should be in their mind. They will put in great efforts to make this fictitious world of theirs a reality. We all have to put in a degree of effort to achieve balance in our lives. The truth is, in the real world, it would require too much work for self-serving people to earn what they desire. It is much easier for them to walk around living a lie and telling a lie than it is for them to face the truth.

Dependability is not an important factor for the person who is self-serving in a relationship. You may not recognize so in the beginning, because they are trying to gain your trust by imitating the kind of person whom you are attracted to. They are also inspired by their idea of gaining what they want if they pretend to be someone they are not. After a while, you will start to see flaws in their behavior when it comes to them being dependable. You will notice more and more excuses for why they cannot do the things they did in the beginning. This is because they feel they have you wrapped around their little finger. You will also start to see them lacking on their part for what they are supposed to be contributing, hoping you will pick up their slack. The whole idea is for you to be the one who winds up doing all the giving while they do nothing but reap the benefits.

Do not waste time trying to save someone that does not want to be saved. The best thing you can do for that person is to be supportive, but not at the expense of becoming their savior, judge, or prosecutor. If you associate yourself long enough around someone who refuses to do better, either one of two things will happen: either they will have you thinking like them or they will drag you down with them. Remember: misery loves company, and you are no exception.

“When you are in a relationship with a person who hates explaining themselves, chances are they can’t remember all of their lies.”

Think about it. If someone asks you to tell the truth, it takes no effort at all to recall all the facts. If you told a lie, you will have to concentrate on what you have already said in order for it to make sense with what you are asked to explain at the present time. This is too much work, and too risky. The liar is bound to be exposed once they start trying to explain what they want you to think is the truth.

“When you are in a relationship with a person who cannot control their emotions, it is a sign of immaturity.”

Immature people do not make good partners. Have you ever tried to console a child when they are having a temper tantrum? It is nearly impossible.  They want what they want and will go to no ends to get what they want. Period. There is no negotiating until they get all that screaming and carrying on out of their system. Now, apply that same concept to an adult. With a child, the fear of being punished by their parents for their behavior keeps them somewhat under control. With an adult, they have no fear of that because it does not apply. If an immature person does not want to be held responsible, they won’t.  In fact, they avoid responsibility at all costs. You now have an out-of-control adult with no limits as to how far they will go to get what they want.

(to be continued)

© 2013 Learus Ohnine

A Life Without Problems: Character and Ability

Character and Ability: Two very important factors to consider when choosing a friend, a business partner, a romantic partner, etc. …

Character: Just because someone says they will do something does not necessarily mean they will do it. They may make a ton of empty promises just to tell you what they think you might want to hear, hoping you will react on them before these promises are delivered. Wait, be patient. Watch, and observe. Give them a chance to fulfill those promises first before reacting on them.

Ability: Check the person’s ability to deliver on their promises.  Suppose someone says to you “I am going to buy you a diamond ring”. If this person has no money or is frivolous with money, how can they save up the amount needed to buy this extravagant gift? It is impossible. Also, remember just because a person has the resources to do something does not necessarily mean they will do it.  Look for conditions to their promises. Promises should be stately clearly without misunderstandings.

 

 

 

© 2013 Learus Ohnine