I am re-blogging this mainly because I have only touched on sociopaths from a romantic perspective, but not so much from a relative/family viewpoint. Plus, I think it is very well written…
Sure it is. It is possible for someone to have gone through such adverse situations in their life that their perception of reality is distorted as an adult. These circumstances have had some sort of adverse impact on their earlier years of psychological development, i.e. childhood, in which they have never been able to come to terms with or have never sought out professional help to help overcome the adversity of the situation(s). However, there is still that one fact that remains within the sociopathic/psychopathic behavior that still holds them accountable: the ability to know the difference between right from wrong.
So how does one know if a sociopath or psychopath is one because of genetically linked factors or circumstances?
This can be very tricky in deciphering the difference, because most sociopaths do not tell the truth as it is when it comes to discussing their childhood, adulthood, or any “hood” of their life. Most of them will pretend they have had a bad childhood as part of their plot to gain sympathy from generous people in order to gain something from them, or, they may use this lie as an excuse to get away with not facing the consequences for their destructive behavior, again to gain sympathy. Psychopaths have been known to come from stable childhood homes without a trace of dysfunctional interactions with the prominent figures in their lives, yet they seem to have a distorted view of reality whereas they think the world should revolve around their wants and needs without regards for the rights of others and without consequences for violating those rights.
But there is one thing that is undisputed for both disorders; as a child grows older and becomes more acquainted with society, they have no other choice but to learn the difference between what society deems as right from wrong and will have to moderate their behavior accordingly. Those who have difficulty moderating their behavior to adjust to societal rules are considered to demonstrate sociopathic and/or psychopathic behaviors.
Let’s say the sociopath/psychopath came from a home where there was little to no supervision, or even worse, supervision that had no boundaries, responsibilities, rules or restrictions, and no consequences for bad behavior. Believe it or not, this can be traumatic when a child has no correction; they feel as if they can do no wrong and will grow up with this mindset when they try to interact with the rest of society. When the child grows up and realizes reality is not what they thought it was, that there really is such a thing as right from wrong and there are consequences for their wrong behavior, they literally do feel traumatized from the reactions they get when they do wrong to others. They may go into a frenzy when they cannot have their way and begin to plot and plan on how they can make their idealization of reality happen. Society refers to this kind of behavior as being “spoiled” and have been known to mistakenly apply this term to adults.
But in a sense, being spoiled really only applies to children. Why? Just think about it. As I have stated earlier, we all eventually learn the difference between right and wrong as we grow older despite any lack of training, discipline, or correction in this area of our childhood by the responses we get in return for the things that we do. A spoiled child grows up eventually, and realizes the hard way that everything is not all about them. They will have to respect the rights of others if they expect to get along with other people in general whether they like it or not. It is the difficulty they have with this transition from a false reality they have been raised to believe in to the real world is what turns these children into a sociopath/psychopath as an adult.
That was actually the more glorified look as to how one can become a sociopath/psychopath, but there is also a dark side to this possibility, too…
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
So far, all I have been writing about is on what it would be like if you were involved with a sociopath. Hopefully those mock scenarios were helpful, however, I believe it would be even more helpful to give a few tips on how to recognize a sociopath long before you get too deeply involved with them…
TIP #1: Pay attention to how they talk about women (if it is a man) or men (if it is a woman) in a derogatory way. They sometimes let true feelings slip out when conversing about gender roles. If the person is a male and is always referring to women in some perverted way, this usually means they think of women as sex objects or toys. If they talk down about women, referring to them as the “B” word, and likes to watch women being abused, tortured or raped, run for the hills. If you are a woman, just because he whispers sweet nothings in your ear all day long and yet talks with this negative attitude towards the female species does not mean you are special and he will not want to treat you the same way the minute you do something that angers them. You are only a good woman as long as you are useful to them, and them only. The same goes for a woman who says hateful slanderous things about men in general. She will never respect you as an individual no matter how hard you try to win her over.
EXAMPLE FOR TIP #1:
S-path: I think women are the most beautiful things on this planet. I love them dearly.
Her: You do? Why that’s a nice thing to say. I love men as well…
S-path: Oh really? Great!
(Both watching a movie, non-comedy; scene shows woman getting slapped by a man)
S-path: AHAHAHAHA!! That’s what that b*tch gets! HAHAHA!
(suddenly, S-path’s phone rings)
S-path (looks at caller-ID): Oh not this b*tch again. It’s my accountant. She’s staying extra late at the office to work on my taxes.
(S-path answers call; talks politely to her, then hangs up)
S-path: HA! That b*tch is so stupid! She says she’s got an emergency. Her child fell down the stairs. Dumb b*tch should be at home anyways!
Now think: why on earth would a man who is trying to seduce a woman use this kind of language when referring to other women (especially one that is making personal sacrifices to help him) IN FRONT OF HER?? Notice how his actions do not match up to what he said about women general.
TIP #2: Pay attention to how they respect their parents. When we were kids, it was normal to express our dislikes of how we were raised by our parents while growing up because we didn’t realize at the time that they were raising us in a way that was meant for our own good later down the road in life. For example, we complained about our curfew times, having to do chores, our homework, not being able to stay up late when we wanted to, etc., but it wasn’t until when we became adults and had to apply that self-discipline and responsibility in the real world did we really begin to appreciate that parental discipline. We may not of liked what we had to go through, but we went through it without much of a fuss. If a person brags about how they rebelled against their parents in a sadistic way whenever they tried to discipline them, look out. This usually means they despise restrictions of any kind and have no respect for boundaries, rules, or laws and will retaliate the second they feel restricted by them.
EXAMPLE FOR TIP #2:
S-path: Yeah I loved my mom to death, but I have to tell you a funny story.
Her: Oh, okay 🙂
S-path: There was this one time when she told me I was grounded for bad grades, so I tied all her jewelry in knots, and then I flushed them down the toilet. HAHA isn’t that funny?! She knew who was the boss around there! AHAHA!
Her: um… okay 😐
S-path: Oh yeah, and speaking of which, there was a time when the neighbors told me I wasn’t invited to their birthday party, so I tied a brick around their cat’s neck and threw it in their swimming pool. You should of seen the look on their faces HAHAHA! Oh man! AHAHAHAHA ahh those were the days!
Her: (shrugges shoulders)
If you start to laugh at the sociopath’s sick things they did while they’re recollecting their childhood, they will interpret this to mean you like their sense of humor… and… will also expect you to laugh and enjoy it when they do these same things to YOU!
TIP #3: Pay attention to how fast they talk. Sociopaths talk fast; REAL fast. They do not want to give you time to think about what they’re saying; they just want you to hurry up and see things their way and make a decision in their favor. They encourage you to make decisions irrationally and impulsively. They also don’t stick to one subject for too long out of fear you might start asking questions that they cannot answer ( or do not want to answer) when you’re trying to make sense of what they’re saying. Most sociopaths talk in metaphors and do so in a way that it gives the listener one impression while the sociopath really means something totally different; again this is all to get you to do something rash in their favor.
EXAMPLE FOR TIP#3
S-path: Hey, you’re pretty cool. I could really like you alot. You know that, right?
Her: (giggles) Yeah I know. 😀
S-path: Yeah I’m really tired of going over to my sister’s house. It’s a long travel back and forth from work.
Her: Where does your sister live?
S-path: I have to wake up at 5:30 every morning just to get to work on time.
Her: Oh wow! That’s really early!
S-path: Yeah it is. If I fall asleep by 10:00 the night before, it’s not so bad. You’re lucky. You live close to every place I go to.
Her: Thanks but I just happened to find this place by…
S-path: (interrupts) Say, you wouldn’t mind if I crashed here for the night, would you? I have to get up awfully early in the morning. It’s 9:30pm already. Time sure does fly when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?
Her: Yep, it sure does. Sure you can stay.
(S-path spends the night at her house; they have passionate sex; S-path leaves half of his belongs at her house before he leaves in the morning)
Notice how the sociopath quickly redirects the conversation away from her question about the location of his sister. Why? Because there is no sister. He lives with another woman. This slick sociopath is trying to set up camp in a new woman’s house without officially leaving the present woman he lives with first. Also note how the sociopath starts off with a charming opening line that goes right over the lady’s head. He says “I COULD really like you alot”, not “I really like you alot” or “I DO like you alot”. “Could” is too vague with how it’s used in this sentence and can easily be misconstrued for the wrong meaning, which is what the sociopath is trying to do. Again, the sociopath quickly changes the subject from confessing his “real” emotions to his woes about traveling back and forth to work so the lady won’t have time to really think about what he just said previously, and question it.
In fact, the sociopath is such a fast-talker that she didn’t pick up on his subtle hints about moving in with her because he gave her the impression he wanted to stay only for one night. And, the sociopath’s preferred “weapon” of choice is passionate sex, guaranteed to throw all of her common sense out the window while he’s throwing smoke in her eyes so she can’t see what’s really going on. She doesn’t realize this until after the 4th or 5th night, when he leaves a little more of his belongs each time. The sociopath pulled this trick as if he didn’t want to give her not so much as a choice in the matter; just a sob story and several changes of his underwear, socks, and clothing.
So these are just a few tips and examples of what to look out for when first interacting with a sociopath. It’s kind of difficult to detect when a sociopath is deceiving you when you are all caught up in the euphoria of their charms, until it’s too late. There are many many more tips and examples that need to be pointed out, in which I will write more as I recollect them. Hope this little tidbit is helpful.
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“You and your mate seem to share so many common interests. You both enjoy spending time with each other while appreciating the finer things in life. One of those finer things is enjoying the good company of your mutual associates. Your mate says they value personality above all things and are adamant about the importance of maintaining good friendship. You value the same thing as well…
But lately, you have noticed a change in the way you and your mate’s mutual associates interact with you. These associates seem to act in an awkward way whenever you are around, as if they feel uncomfortable saying even the smallest word such as ‘hello’. You have not done anything derogatory towards them directly, at least nothing that you can recall. Some days they seem moody as if it is painful for them to speak to back to you when spoken to, or, they make strange facial jesters towards you whenever you mention your mate’s name. Consequently, this arouses your suspicions as to why they are acting this way. Your confront your mutual associates about your suspicions to no avail. You then confront your mate about this, who claims they do not have any idea what is going on with your mutual associates.
You also begin to notice something strange about your mate’s behavior at the same time. They seem to prefer to talk to you over the telephone rather than spend time together physically. They suspiciously ask you questions about your whereabouts more often, are more secretive than before with their cell phone, and seem very concerned about what is being said to you about them by your mutual associates.
They seem to want to pick a fight with you over the slightest things at the oddest of times, such as during a dinner or a movie date, and then refuse to be consoled about the situation in spite of all the facts you tell them that discredits their false accusations that cause them to start the argument in the first place. There are times when they will blurt out false accusations about you in front of certain mutual associates, then afterwards pretend as if nothing they said or did ever happened. Also, you notice your mate seems to change their attitude towards you in a derogatory way depending on which mutual associate is nearby at the time, but then changes back into their loving self with you behind closed doors. Sometimes, it even seems like your mate is mimicking this same mutual associate identically in dialog, body language, and personality…
Oddly enough, you began to question the change in personality with your mate whenever certain mutual associates are present. As usual, your mate becomes highly irritated with the fact that you would dare to question them. You explain to them why you are questioning them, in which they reply with answers that has nothing to do with your original question. Your mate seems to ramble on and on forever about nothing related to their behavior until they manage to change the direction of the discussion off of anything focused on themselves. Whenever you try to intervene in the middle of their ramblings with your original question about their behavior, they switch the focus onto your behavior instead of focusing on their own. Over time, your mate deliberately causes more and more distance between the two of you whenever you question their behavior…
Surprisingly enough, one of your mutual associates says something to you that lets you know that your mate has been trying to seduce them behind your back. Another associate informs you that your mate has been talking to others about things that you confided in your mate about that should have been kept a secret. You immediately confront your mate about this. Your mate denies all accusations to the extreme. They try to make this mutual associates look like a liar. Your mate tells you they have never tried to seduce a particular mutual associate, although you have witnessed first-hand for yourself how your mate seems to be extra charming towards them when they thought you were not looking…
When you confront your mate about telling your mutual associate what was supposed to be private between the two of you, your mate tries to make it seem like you were the one that told them when you know in fact you did not, and then proceeds to tell you about all the private information these associates shared with your mate. In the midst of your mate trying to defend themselves, they periodically slip and tell on themselves, without being aware that they are, which confirms everything that was said about your mate as being the truth. When you point this out to your mate, they try to retract whatever they have said as if they never said anything at all…”
Sociopaths are notorious for causing division among mutual associates. They love division if there is something to be gained from it. Their motive for gain could be anything from money to sex, and from drugs to someone who could be an accomplice in helping them destroy your sanity, your reputation, and even your life. For example, If you have had a riff with one of your mutual associates whom the sociopath thinks they can gain something from, they try to step in between the two of you and play both of you against one another.
They do this to cause more tension in whatever environment you and your ex-associate may share. They immediately search for your ex-associate and feed the fire by telling them fabricated stories about how badly you have been treating the sociopath when it was really the sociopath who has been treating you badly, how badly you have been talking about them behind their back when it was really the sociopath who has said all those things to you about them, and will even go as far as acting all of this out with you in front of them just to make their lies look legitimate. They will try to show your ex-associate their loyalty to them verses you in order to gain their trust by telling them either some or all of your secrets, then afterwards will go behind their back and tell you some or all of theirs. They offer to be of whatever service they can to your ex-associate in an attempt to seduce them behind your back. This is why the sociopath deliberately creates distance between you two; they need that space in order to be available whenever your ex-associate wants them to be without it seeming obvious to you.
The sociopath wants the division between the two of you to stay there permanently, especially if there is something to be gained from this for them, and will go out of their way to make sure you both will never reconcile again. They do this by baiting your ex-associate into doing sneaky deceptive things with them behind your back, such as dating, sex, etc. In other words, the sociopath will charm them in the same manner they have charmed you, and this is why the stories you hear about the sociopath seducing another mutual associate seem so familiar. They persuade your mutual associate to engage in acts that would otherwise be unforgivable by you should you ever find out about them. It also guarantees the sociopath will have a “weapon” to use against you whenever they want to emotionally hurt you, get you to bend to their wishes, or when they want that adrenaline rush of power from emotionally blackmailing you.
Beware if you are the one on the other end of this equation: if you are the ex-associate. Do not underestimate the level of deceptiveness the sociopath will stoop to in order to get you to fall for their lies to win you over. The sociopath will play on your anger, hate, jealousy, or whatever emotion you have towards your ex-associate. Do not under any circumstances get too close to the sociopath; they will use any instances of interaction with you as blackmail later on. Just the same as your ex-associate was deceived into believing the sociopath’s lies, so will you be. You are no exception.
Remember: if it seems too good to be true, chances are it probably is…
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“All week you have been preparing for the up and coming holiday, eagerly awaiting to spend the day surrounded by your family. You look forward to reminiscing with them about the days growing up together, catching up on the happenings of those lost moments shared with one another, and renewing the bond that was once broken years ago. It has been years since you last saw your family, and this reunion brings about the most important closure on a chapter in your life that has been plaguing you for a very long time. You have shared your excitement over this anticipated event with your loved one, who seems just as happy for you as you are… at first…
The holiday has arrived. You tell your mate how excited you are that you are going over to your family’s house later that evening. Suddenly, you see a change in your mate’s temperament. They say things they know will start a fight between you two; it is as if they are purposely trying to get a rise out of you before you go. Everything they are saying has nothing to do with the holiday or the evening itself; these were actually issues that were resolved long time ago. You are confused as to why when these issues were clearly and mutually resolved are they being brought back to the surface now, as if your mate never had an understanding to begin with. They claimed they did when the first argument took place about the same issues, and now all of a sudden, they have no recollection of ever resolving them. Not only that, most of these issues never had a legitimate basis to fight about to begin with; they were all fake complaints your mate made up themselves for you to waste countless hours in the day trying to work things out with them…
The time is winding down towards the time for you to leave for your family celebration. You need to get ready and your mate seems to be deliberately drawing out this argument on purpose. The more you express how upset they are making you over their defiance in resolving the matter before you leave, the more they try to antagonize you further by being more defiant. What happened to this person’s standards they stated they had in the beginning? They once told you they hate arguing, but as time goes on, they seem to start arguments at the drop of a dime and pick the oddest of times to start one. By now, your mate has you so upset to the point where you do not want to go, but you go anyway. With your mind totally disheveled and confused by the way your mate has just acted, you dry your eyes and try to calm your nerves before you head off to be with your family…”
Sociopaths DO NOT like for you to have a loving support system, i.e. family and friends. It is hard for them to effectively mentally traumatize you and break your will when you have access to people who will surround you with love and support to counteract the damages. This is why sociopaths usually target loners, divorcees, those fresh out of a failed romantic relationships, runaways, the “new kid on the block”, the “black sheep” of the family, and so on. These are the type of people whom the sociopath zeros in on quickly because they know their circumstances might not have them thinking clearly, their defenses are low, and their options are limited as to whom they can trust to turn to for accurate advice, help, and support when the sociopath starts playing with their mind. They will try to do everything possible to tear down any bond you may have between you and another supportive individual with whom they may feel threatened by. You will notice this repeated cycle mostly at times when you and your family will be spending time together.
If the sociopath is not acquainted with your family, meaning they have no direct contact with them, they will try to compensate for not being able to manipulate them by going through you. They will try to get you confused, angry, and even furious before you intend to be in the presence of your family in hopes this will cause you to say or do something irrational and take out your frustrations on them. In turn, the sociopath wants you to look like the one responsible for causing the rift between you and your family, and will you this guilt trip against you later. In the least, the sociopath will try to make you look crazy to your family by driving you crazy. The sociopath may think by doing this, it will cause your family to inadvertently discontinue their association with you themselves. Some sociopaths have even used the tactic of forcing you to choose by saying “it’s either me or them”, or they may throw fits of rage whenever your family does something nice for
you, buys you a gift, or helps you in any way possible and vice versa. The sociopath does this to make you feel guilty for any kind of generous acts exchanged between you and your relatives, hoping you will cease in doing so for fear of the wrath that comes along with it. Remember: all of this is a way for the sociopath to control you. This is why it is very important to let your family know your doubts, concerns, and anything else you find odd about the sociopath in your life so they can be aware of the situation. This is for your protection as well as theirs.
And above all else, DO NOT LET THE SOCIOPATH ISOLATE YOU FROM ANYONE YOU ARE ALREADY CLOSE TO!
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
When we try to analyze the people we cross paths with in society, it is possible to misinterpret our analysis for lack of a better understanding. For those who have crossed paths with a sociopath and a narcissist on separate occasions, it may seem like there is little to no difference between the two when in fact one can be mistaken for the other. Both are considered to be social terrorists, however, there are distinguishing characteristics that would imply neither of them are one in the same. Therefore, I would like to explain briefly the differences in character between these two personality disorders…
A Narcissist will let you know up front what they are about. They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake). They generally do not tell these stories for any other gain than to hear praises. They have an unquenchable desire to be admired, worshiped, and adulated with no real gain from those that respond to them in this way other than to feed their own ego. They need to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering.
A Sociopath will NOT let you know up front what they are about, because they wear a mask to hide their true identity. They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake, but mostly fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake, but mostly fake.) They generally tell these stories to appear as a “good person” to gain trust and as a cover-up for their ulterior motives. They have the same unquenchable desires as the Narcissist as a result of the power and control they gain over their victims. They do not care to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering unless doing so promises to earn them more unsuspecting victims.
Here’s a few more brief distinguishing characteristics:
A Narcissist can have a conscious/conscience, and will sometimes hurt others unintentionally. A Sociopath has no conscious/conscience whatsoever, nor do they have any remorse for hurting others intentionally; the more damage, the better they feel.
A Narcissist can be constructive. A Sociopath is always destructive.
A Narcissist’s world can be built by their own hands. A Sociopath prefers their world to be built by someone else’s hands, and will take full credit for it.
A Narcissist is self-deceptive. A Sociopath is socially deceptive.
A Narcissist needs admirers. A Sociopath needs victims.
A Narcissist needs to be adulated to appease their insecurities and fragile ego. A Sociopath needs to be adulated to appease and camouflage their ulterior motives.
A Narcissist lacks empathy in the form of belittling, name-calling, and defaming another’s character. A Sociopath lacks empathy in a criminal or physically violent way.
A Narcissist accepts who they are but exploits themselves in an overly-exaggerated and excessively-dramatic grandiose manner. A Sociopath pretends to be someone who they are not to hide their hidden agendas in order to keep from being exploited.
Both think they are superior to anyone and everyone they meet. Both think they deserve special treatment. Both process the world differently, and both play to “win.” However, it is possible for both personality traits to be combined into one, which is called a “Narcissistic Sociopath” , and is more dangerous to deal with than the two individuals separately.
© 2013 Learus Ohnine
“You find yourself totally and completely falling in love with this person as time moves on. However, there is something erratic about their behavior that you cannot quite put your finger on but you know something is not right. One day, they seem like the life of the party around you; cheerful, helpful, and radiant in your presence. But the next day, they verbally state they hate your guts for no apparent reason at all. You may even notice them acting this way throughout an entire day; elated one minute, extremely hostile the next. Even when you two have had hardly any contact with each other at all, this behavior is still exhibited by them without cause or reason from your point of view.
So you decide to ask them what you did to upset them so much, but they cannot answer with a direct answer. They beat around the bush, they play games, they use sarcasm at inappropriate moments, they try distracting you from focusing on the question, and they may even play the ‘surrender role’ by stating things like ‘whatever you think the answer is’ or ‘take a guess why I’m acting this way’. The more you try to get to the bottom of the problem, the more they try to avoid telling the truth…“
Truth: something the sociopath fears because:
- With truth comes exposure…
- With exposure comes clarity…
- With clarity come closure…
- With closure comes direction.
Some say the sociopath has no fears because they have no conscious. That is not true. The sociopath fears being exposed for what they are. It does not bother their conscious when they lie to you, cheat on you, steal from you, etc., but one thing that does torment their conscious is the fear of the mask that they wear will be ripped off and the sociopath in them will be revealed. When you know the truth of what (and who) it is you are dealing with, you are able to clearly see which direction you should go: to stay or to leave. Not only do you know which direction you should go, you also know if further attention concerning your safety needs to be addressed (sociopaths despise “losing” at their games and think nothing of getting revenge so they can feel like they have “won”).
Believe it or not, the sociopath does not want you to leave, at least not until they know without a reasonable doubt that they have another victim lined up to take your place immediately after your departure. The sociopath is satisfied with you as long as you are believing their lies; it is when they think you are starting to catch on to their lies is when they begin to panic and start looking for another unsuspecting victim without delay. As long as the sociopath can keep you blinded to important facts about the relationship, they have control over how you live your life, your peace of mind, etc. Remember: they need to “feed” on the fears, the wants, and the needs of others in order to feel like they have a sense of power and control. This is why they were so charming in the beginning so they could win your undivided affection and trust. It is no wonder why their erratic behavior is so baffling since they seemed so sincere at first, and also the main reason why they try to avoid having to answer for their monstrous behavior in the end… because they are terrified of being exposed.
(to be continued…)
© 2013 Learus Ohnine